What do you do when you’re in love with someone who has someone?
My American lawyer is coming to London, and we have agreed to meet up as “just friends”, but in my heart I know we could never be in that state.
The terrible truth is I’d take him away from this faceless person if I could.
I’d do it knowing it was awful, that I’d cause hurt, pain and confusion to another human being. I’d do it and I’d hate myself for doing it.
But I’d do it because I love him.
I have a dream that he takes me in his arms and we go to the theatre together. I sit and watch the actors with my hand on his arm for the whole production. We say nothing, I feel only the warm weight of his forearm, and I know that I’m safe with him.
We go back to his hotel and eat a quiet dinner in his hotel room, before he takes me into his lap and turns out the lights. Then we make love all night.
There is something wonderful about making love in the dark. Not because I wouldn’t find him attractive, his face has true beauty to my eyes, but because there is something so supremely comforting about feeling only the touch of a lover’s body on yours. When I close my eyes I feel his hands grasping my sides. I feel the teasing touch of his beard on my lips. I feel his warm weight under me.
I dream of the house he says he wants to buy in Covent Garden. I dream of myself rising to a successful writing career in this city and us being proud and supporting one another. I see us walking through the boulevards and beautiful streets of central London together. I see us building a life there.
I dream, I dream, I dream.
Could it ever be anything more?