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Well I had my first post-Mr. Andrew date on Thursday.

All I can say is that my faith in American men has not been boosted by this experience.

Sitting in the Players Bar in Charing Cross having some wine and listening to the live entertainment. All good starts, surely, but I’m afraid it was something of a trainwreck. After he (or one of the friends he was with, I can’t remember which) used the phrase “whirlwind of awesome” I did two things.

1. I pretended to recieve a phone call from a housemate saying that they had been locked out without keys.

2. I left.

Feel free to use that one.

I’m sorry but when someone uses the words “it was, like, a whirlwind of awseome!” I know that this is a relationship that isn’t going to fly.

And not to sound picky but he really had the super-camp American queen thing going, which I have never found to be a selling point. We all know what we like, and as lovely as he was, I just find the metrosexual, bitchy, flouncing thing to really not float my boat.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Americans. They are a wonderful people. But being a thoroughly British boy I find it hard sometimes to take them as seriously as they like to take themselves.

Unfortunately when one of my best friends and I were comparing notes yesterday on our respective dates, he met a dreamy, tall, lean prince of a man. After a walk on the Southbank they lay out on the grass together and just talked.

Never the best thing to hear when your own date ended with you running away like some sort of escapist bride.

The advice I woud take away from this date is as follows:

Read the signs: If they’re doing things that irk you, cut the date short. There’s no point sticking it out and wasting an evening of your life on someone you have no interest in seeing again. Life is too short.

Form an escape plan: while they’re pratting into your ear, form the escape plan. Make up a lie that will get you out. But remember to base the lie in truth, so it seems plausible.

After you’ve escaped: run home immediately so they don’t catch out out somewhere else. Call up a friend and laugh about how atrocious the date was.

Think: about why it was an awful date and what you want to look for in the future.

And that’s just something I’m currently working on.

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4 thoughts on “The Great Date Escape

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