When I last went for coffee with one of my best friends, I was not in the best way.
I no longer had the secure job I has been working at, as due to a merger they’d cut large swathes of people. I had met with Mr. Ivan (The Lawyer), but didn’t know how things could ever work out for us, I felt alone, vulnerable and scared for almost every aspect of my life. And, as is the contradictory nature of these things, my friend had just moved jobs and met a wonderful man.
In the interest of being the voice of sense, he advised me to forget Mr. Ivan. Due to the fact that:
a) he lives in LA
b) he has a partner
c) he met me behind that partner’s back.
These are, as he quite rightly pointed out, facts. Cold and inescapable facts.
But he also gave me a piece of very wise advice.
In life, when the problems pile up, as they are want to do at certain times, it’s important not to let them all hang on that one special person.
When we are falling for someone, we so often psychologically view them as the ending to all our problems. We convince ourselves that, if we can only have that person, the one who sits at the bright centre of our hearts, all our problems will somehow end.
It reminded me of when I was going through a similar situation with Mr. Will. I had just moved to London and was frightened; I wanted someone there to make me feel safe. I wanted the London life and that holy trinity – happiness with career, love and life.
It’s such a natural state – we feel like we’re drowning in a river and want that person to throw us the lifeline. We want that special person to pull us out and be the answer to all our problems; answer all our questions.
But as my friend brought home to me, things don’t work that way. Our problems will still be there. If Mr. Ivan appeared at my door right now it doesn’t mean I’d land that dream job I’ve applied for. He may feel like the man I want for the rest of my life, but I don’t think one person ever has all the answers.
And as I was reminded, it’s the worst possible state you can fall into. It’s unhealthy and does you no justice.
Because when you try and hang all your hopes on another person, you’re really just being lazy.
The only person your hopes are supposed to hang on, is you.