Sometimes there are no more words.
When talking doesn’t come easily or naturally between two people, there’s really no point even going forward, however cute or nice they are.
So I know for certain that Mr. Tall and I have no future.
Sometimes we hold onto relationships because we fear being alone. We dread that awful freedom of not having someone there to comfort us when we’re going through hard times. We dread the loss of intimacy, of not having someone there to protect us.
Fear, really, is at the heart of everything we do.
Since leaving a job at Bauer Media where I was being bullied and humiliated, fear has been a constantly unwelcome guest in my life. Although interviews are happening and things are appearing on the horizon, I still fear.
I fear running out of money. I fear not being able to find love, because of the fear which not enjoying steady income can bring.
Most of all I fear that nothing will happen.
Ironically I used to fear convention; I wanted to be an actor and having a ‘conventional’ job like being an Editor seemed horrible.
Now I fear not having one, because in my student and post-student days I worked the menial jobs in shops and cafes. I hated them in a place which is beyond normal hatred; the fact I couldn’t express and create meant there was all this feeling inside me which couldn’t escape. I couldn’t go back there. I’d rather starve.
An aspiring director friend of mine, who still lives with her parents back in Scotland, said that I was mad to want a “safe” job as a Fashion Editor and should chase my stage dreams. After all “who wants a safe job?”
My mental thought to that statement was “I do”.
A safe job means rent paid. A safe jobs means clothes on your back and food in the fridge. A safe job means you get to live in a place like London, not just survive month to month, day to day. You get to experience the city, live your life, search for love, do the things you want to do without this constant gnawing worry eating away inside of you.
There are many things to fear as you go through life.
I’d rather have a safe job which I can enjoy and build a career on than live with that fear.