Mr. Ivan wants me to be with him when he comes to London.
But before the champagne corks start popping, I should probably point out that he wants to be with me without leaving his long-term partner.
When I asked if that meant our relationship would be purely sexual, I received the following message:
There would be talks, pints, meals, discussions, arguments, cultural life of London to devour, shopping at Liberty, weekend getaways, rides in car with top down. Days of soulless sex are so far behind me I don’t even remember what’s that like anymore.
When I asked if his partner would be bothered by this, he said the fact that he strays then comes back actually turns his partner on.
This was the point where I thought I may be about to open Pandora’s Box. The whole idea of someone being turned on by their lover having an affair with someone else is alien and sordid to me. I may love Ivan but I don’t want to just be a play-thing for him.
Part of me thinks I could love him. Part of me thinks I do love him.
But I know I want to be with him for him. I would want to imagine that one day we’d wake up on Christmas morning together. I’d like to think about spending evenings alone and happy together. I don’t want to just be spoiled in Liberty’s or have snatched moments with him.
I’m not saying I don’t like the sound of what he offered. I love the thought of those things.
But it would only be temporary. I would only be there as a distraction until he decided to return to his partner. I may have an amazing time, but I could see the debt looming at the end, like over-spending on a credit card.
And after that what would I be left with?
Some nice clothes which would be tainted with the memory of him, and the memories of the man I love but can no longer have.
Of course, there is the tiny possibility that he will leave his partner for me, but if you begin a relationship from the ashes of another one, can it really work? Or would the love that destroyed one relationship eventually destroy itself?
I want to be with him and enjoy his company, but I highly suspect I will fall in love with him.
Part of me wants to just walk away. Focus on landing my next full-time editorial job in London (freelance is pretty hard to sustain) and finding someone I love and who loves me back. Just have something simple.
Because after Pandora opened the box and released sorrow into the world, she slammed it shut in horror of what she’d done. But one more voice cried to be let out. Hope.
Someone, please help me.