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Austen

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when you are asked out by a Lieutenant army doctor, you say yes.

But it is also a sad truth that when a man can’t kiss properly, there is little to be done to redeem him.

Kissing is supposed to be a marvellously passionate, dreamy experience.

It is not supposed to feel like your mouth is being invaded by an enemy army.

But as I sit in my little room in London alone, I try not to slip into what I’ve come to call The Black Space.

After a fortnight of intense applications, writing tests and interviews, that elusive full time job has yet to materialise, despite being considered for some amazing brands and publications.

One of my favourite singers once said in an interview “it was then I fell to rock bottom. And in many ways falling to rock bottom is a positive thing, as from there you can really start to build yourself back up.”

Building myself back up is what I am trying to do. One step at a time, in several small ways.

With putting effort into my career on track I’ve not really been interested in meeting men. I just feel like I can’t focus on love or relationships while another part of my life is taking up so much room in my head.

It’s like wanting to move forward but being unable to, in many ways.

Friends I’ve known since university I feel like I don’t know anymore. Since moving to London last August I feel I’ve changed, and now that I’ve started to know what I want, I know what I want to leave behind. It has been like being released from a cage, and now I can see where I want to go. It’s a different place from whrre I thought I wanted to be a year ago.

The job I want is different.

The relationship I want is different.

The friends I want are different.

Only sometimes the word seems to throw obstacles in our way. Sometimes I’m so frightened of getting hurt or going broke I can hardly move.

People say I should be thankful I’m getting interviews that are relevant, and I am. But I’ve never been patient and I’m always wanting to move forward as fast as possible. I know I want to go into editorial, and fashion editorial in particular, if only I could make it happen.

I want a job that I can do, and then I want to find the man and the friends to create that London life I used to dream about escaping to. It’s like it’s almost within my reach and I can feel it, but the fact I can’t just reach out and grab it breaks my heart.

I try not to fall into despair. I may be between jobs and scraping by, I may not have found that special someone and I may feel like I’m letting friends from the past drift out of my life.

But I know if I fight through I’ll find my happiness. I have to believe that.

After all, it’s a truth universally acknowledged.

Isn’t it?

 

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