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As someone who lives with 3 straight men, there are several things about this animal which I don’t think I will ever fully understand.

1. Sports. Rugby I can understand, but do they really enjoy football? Cricket? They’re boring as bananas! They sit on the sofa, slap their beer-bellies and loudly hold forth about all the mistakes the professional  athletes are making. I don’t get it.

2. Nice things. I think, if they had the choice, straight men would constantly walk around in their boxers and just live between the bed and the take-away menu. Getting dressed up, going out, buying yourself something nice? All foreign to them.

3. Screens. As I write this, one of my housemates is watching TV, which is on silent, laptop on his tummy browsing the internet and listening to music, all while hungover and dozing off. For a species famously unable to handle anything more complex than the cereal bowl and spoon, this is a lot of multi-tasking. Baffling.

4. Mess. I’ve seen inside the rooms of straight men, and the carpet is an archeological find waiting to be uncovered. It’s disgusting.

5. Loudness. I’m no anthropologist, but I assume this is some sort of primordial defence urge. When a straight man does a task, he must do it as loudly as possible, with as much non-subtle grunting and crashes as possible. Meanwhile, women and gay men have done 8x the tasks. Silently.

6. Ego. OK, I know that Mr. Alpha-male straight guy would rather watch that trashy rom-com than Fight Club. I know it, he knows it, we all know it. But instead of being honest about it he pretends he’d rather watch the manly explosion-fest. Meaning he gets 2 hours of disappointment and leaving him grumpy and annoyed he had to keep up appearances on his day off. Ejit.

7. Hands down pants in public.

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