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“Do you think I’ve amassed enough Ferragamo shoes?” asked Mr. Ivan, enclosing a picture of stacked boxes piled high in his wardrobe.

ImageThe message I had sent before had been to say how much I’d enjoy seeing a film on his arm. Not exactly the response I was looking for.

And for some reason that message didn’t just disappoint me…it repulsed me.

I used to think of Mr. Ivan as a successful, self-made man. Now, increasingly, it’s like dealing with a spoiled child who just thinks of money as being no object to buying whatever he wants, including luring “West Hollywood boys with daddy issues” into his bed; after spoiling them with all the Louis Vuitton they can carry.

He may have informed me that I am “a higher thing by far” then his usual flings, but if the past few months have taught me anything it is the power and necessity of money; mainly because I’ve had very little of it.

When I asked Mr. Ivan if he had ever been in that situation, he replied with “No…don’t your parents support you?”

Now Mr. I is a very successful lawyer in his own right, but after surviving the past few months, there’s something about a man who just thinks of money as disposable which really turns me off. I’m not saying I could only date a man who has been destitute, but I’ve stared Poverty and Hunger  in the face. Once you’ve looked into the eyes of those demons and felt their touch, you are not the same. Not ever.

I still look into his eyes and see beauty there. I still want to feel his warmth next to me and even, possibly, enjoy being spoilt by him. But at best it will be a temporary relationship which we both enjoy; at worst it will be a broken heart. I know he loves his partner and will never leave him, even if his partner is OK with his “straying”.

Part of me thinks I should just walk away. Block his messages on my phone. Delete his pictures. Forget his offers and his arresting eyes. Forget his toned body and warm voice. Forget meeting him again when he comes to London in February.

Do I really love him, or do I just want to know that a wealthily, handsome, older man is interested in me?

Do I want him, or the Liberties merchandise he promises to buy me?

Is it his love I want, or am I just infatuated with the pursuit of someone who is, from every angle, unattainable?

Sometimes I’m not sure whether loving him would be elixir or poison.

Do I see him as partner…or simply protection?

Because I know full well that a partner is something he will never be.

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