The other week while out with a very good friend, he joked that I was dong so little with my personal life it was like I had an “aversion to sex”.
I laughed, but the phrase struck a chord somewhere. It’s been a while since I hooked up with a stranger, and the interesting thing is I have no real desire to.
Frankly, and although I may be in the last few weeks of 25 I realise how ‘old’ this will make me sound, but it just seems like such a lot of effort. You have to get dressed up, meet the person, go back to their home, mess around and get the business done, sleep it off a bit so you don’t seem like an utter slut, come home, have a shower, then get on with the myriad of things you need to do in your spare time.
As someone who struggled for several months to fill the job void, I’m terrified of falling into that black space again.
So, as well as working full time in Social Media (which often requires overtime), I am contributing pieces and columns to various fashion, poker and theatre websites. Along with writing and editing my own newsletter and two blogs.
Subtract the energy price from all of that and pointless sex just seems like such a wasted effort, when there is so much else you could be doing.
Is it wrong to take a few weeks away from all of the messiness and decide to just get to know yourself rather than someone else?
It’s not like I still don’t have the feelings, but the impulse and drive to just pull a random man into bed have subsided somewhat with so much else on my mind. Strangely I feel like I’d rather find someone who satisfies my mind more than my body.
Is it strange to still feel that urge but just not want to act on it?
I’m also reaching a point where I want to try new things sexually, but not just with some muscled italian who happens to invite me over to his house. I’d rather focus on building something with someone again. I’ll admit I’m a bit of a novice in this field, but I remember the feelings of comfort and protection were what made the sex truly great.
I’ve always felt oddly protective of my body. I don’t like people touching me who I haven’t invited, spoken or unspoken, into my personal space. It took me a long time to embrace my sexuality, and I still never quite get used to people telling me they think I’m attractive, after spending so many years feeling clunky and awkward.
Through my teenage years, living in such close proximity to others at boarding school, it often felt like my body wasn’t my own.
So maybe I have developed an aversion to meaningless sex.
But that’s just because I desire something with meaning.