I logged onto the app Mr. Ivan and I used to chat to one another, and saw that his profile is gone.
If you are unfamiliar with these particular chapters of my life, then simply go back through this blog and read the “iLove a Lawyer” posts. That should familiarise you with our sad little story.
I don’t really have any other way to contact him, so I believe that we have now spoken our last.
When I first chatted, and then met in person, with Mr. Ivan, a part of me did think I had found love. Physically, he was all I had ever wanted. He was strong, caring and rich beyond even my healthy imagination.
Despite his already loving partnership, he wished me to be his pleasure on the side, offering me the cultural and material treats of London rather than his heart. I was unsure whether or not to accept, and I suppose now I shall never know what we would have had.
I am sure my friends will think it very much for the best. I suppose the nostalgia for any relationship is what might have been.
I could write a book about what I wished might have happened, the roller coaster of my emotions for him and why I first fell for a man who no-one but me in my circle of friends could see much beauty in.
But I won’t. Or not now, anyway.
What I will say is that he filled a part of my life, and I wish times and circumstances would have been different. A pointless activity, really, but one which is sometimes a necessary indulgence.
After that, I will wish him well, wherever he is, and move on.