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On Monday, despite feeling low and lacking self confidence, I agreed to go on a date with a showbiz agent who I’d been chatting to over app. He seemed nice, if a bit keen (joking about how we should “just get married”) so I decided to meet him.

Turning the corner into Southbank, I couldn’t help but think just how handsome he was. As we spoke, I found him to be intelligent and charming, and I could feel my heart opening up to Mr. Gavin in a way it hadn’t in a long time.

We had a pleasant enough couple of drinks, then hugged goodbye. I messaged him whenI got home to say I’d had a nice time…

…And found he’d blocked me.

He sent me a text to say he wasn’t interested, and the little self-confidence I had managed to scrape together to actually go on the date seemed to break. For the first time in a long time I felt like I’d found someone who really charmed the trousers off me, so to speak.

But he was just another showbiz type. Just another ego, with a flirty tongue and about as much manhood as a castrated cat.

I got angry. Not just angry, furious. I felt like we’d really connected, that he’d led me on only to drop me and make me feel stupid and used. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think properly. I imagined hurting him. hurting him until he screamed. I was so furious that one person could treat another like that. When we seemed to have such good chemistry.

It had felt like I was on the brink of something amazing, and I foolishly allowed myself to believe it so. For about an hour it seemed like the dark clouds had broken and a ray of sunshine was weaving through.

When we’re feeling low in ourselves, the tiniest sparks of hope are what we hold onto. when someone does something like that it’s like being thrown down a well and watching as the hole is covered and you can see the final point of light disappearing before you’re trapped. Alone and in the darkness.

I felt so much anger, and for some reason I felt despair too. I couldn’t explain it. I’d laughed off bad dates before, but this felt different. This felt like something which should have been and wasn’t.

In the aftermath, it’s been 4 days, and it’s like he opened a trap door in my head, which allowed the shadow of depression to come back. I feel irrational and frightened. I feel angry; furious sometimes.

I hear my friends talk about their happy dating lives and I want to scream; drown out the voices so everyone in the entire world can only feel the hurt and anger that I feel.

Is this what happens when the love at first sight was one sided?

Is it always about getting hurt?

Tom took me out for lunch on Tuesday, and when he asked what I wanted to happen, all I could think to say was “I want him to be hurt.”

I knew even as I was saying it it was an awful thing to say, or even to think. But in pain and rage and grief staying sensible is one of life’s biggest challenges.

Tom bought me coffee and brought be a big slice of chocolate, as I sat there in my hoody, unable to care about anything. He walked me to the station and before I got the train enveloped me in a big hug, resting my head on his shoulder and holding me tightly. For those few seconds, I felt safe.

But as my closest friends all talked about their relationships and how happy they are, instead of being happy for them as I know I should, I’ve said something sarcastic, cutting or nasty, because the whole time I’ve wanted to clamp my hands over my ears and scream until the whole world was feeling all the pain and rejection and hurt I was feeling. 

And now I don’t know what I’m feeling. I see fear everywhere.

People may tell you to “just get over it”, but so often it’s never that easy.

 

 

 

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