Is the secret to life learning to be happy by yourself?
With another no-response date yesterday, I begin to wonder why I even bother. I seem to be in a rut where dates go very well, but after there’s no word, just some odd void of silence, despite them giving every indication they want to see me again. My career seems to be, almost for the first time, going in a very good direction. My raise has gone through, and everyone seems to be pleased about the performance I’m doing, and I love the direction I’m going.
But when it comes to dating…
Is it me? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. If I am doing something wrong. It certainly seems like I am.
And in the contrary way of these things, all my closest friends are currently in relationships. And naturally, I have to endure them talking about significant others, how happy they are, life feels like one big musical and every other vomitacious analogy.
I wish I could block it all out sometimes. I love them, but when you’re feeling very low and depressed internally, it’s all you can do to hold back something cutting (or truthful) just to block out the flow of sugary sweet awfulness.
And to be honest it feels like depressions again. I get up and I don’t seem to know how to stave off the bad feelings. Sometimes the tiniest incident can fling feelings in a direction we didn’t expect, didn’t want. And then it’s a downward spiral. You can try to swim against it, but it catches you every time.
I love my friends dearly, but with one in particular it’s like they relish holding it over me. I know that sounds like an awful thing to say, maybe it is, but it’s as though they can’t help cancelling or not bothering to even try catching up like we used to so they can spend all the time with significant others.
After asking if he wants to catch up over coffee, my friend lists the things he’s doing and signs it off with “but you have fun!”.
Don’t sign it off like that. It couldn’t be more obvious I was feeling hurt and reaching out to you. You may as well just rub my face in it and be done.
I guess the side effect of being single in a group is there’s an inevitable feeling of being left behind sometimes. I find I want to be around my friends, but then when I’m around them I find the conversation inevitably just leads to a waterfall of how happy they are, and I end up wanting to shoot myself.
It’s never bothered me before, so why should it do so now?
I try and stay positive and think of new beginnings and personal reflection, but it’s difficult to analyse feelings when it feels as though you’ve run out of them and are living in a vacuum.
I’ve known people who date voraciously, and don’t seem whole unless they are with someone else, which is certainly not the kind of person I want to be. I want to learn to be happy and contented by myself.
But it seems as though there’s a difference between finding contentment alone and feeling lonely.
So is 1 the number of isolation…or empowerment?
Perhaps the relationship between those two factors is symbiotic. Can we find empowerment in ourselves without feeling, even temporarily, as though we’re the only one who really cares about us?
Break ups and rejections build the feeling of loneliness and helplessness, is empowerment the phoenix which rises from the ashes? And if it is, how do we make that transformation happen?
How do we avoid the lure of the instant temptation (drink, meaningless sex, comfort food) and find something deep within us which can comfort and support us, they way we want someone else to do.
Are we looking for a life partner, or just a life?
And when it all comes down to it, what is more important: a lover’s embrace, or a personal emancipation?