Tom said “I don’t know what to say” as we sat in The Counting House last night.
He said that after I told him that the idea of losing his friendship was worse. Worse than being spurned by Mr.Will, or any of the horrid things men do in the name of their own enjoyment.
We were both slightly drunk by this point having made up from our big fight yesterday. It’s been a long time since I was that scared about losing someone.
That’s the scary thing. We grow up, we think we’ve grown stronger, older, wiser. But then that person comes along that we’re afraid to lose. That person who takes root deep inside of us, and we don’t know why.
Do I love Tom? Im not sure.
On one level yes. As my friend I love and treasure him.
But as more?
Not when he’s wrapped in whatever coils Jm has him in. Whatever their relationship is, it sounds like a cocktail of Stockholm syndrome spiked with obsession.
But then, the only two people who ever know what a relationship is are the two people in it. Because something looks dangerous and unhealthy on the outside, does that make it so?
Is part of it jealousy?
Do I love Tom and want him for myself, and thus become infuriated to see what P-J’s behaviour does to him and the strain it puts on our friendship?
I don’t know.
I don’t know because now all I see is the battered and broken shell of the Tom I first met. The product of taking all PJ’s suffering and trying to make it his own. As I told him honestly last night; a fruitless exercise. The only person who can battle our demons is ourselves.
Tom and I connect in so any ways. When we go to parties, people ask if we’re together. Friends joke that we speak like an old married couple.
In some ways, thinking of us together is like a dream that is so beautiful you almost don’t dare to imagine it. They say “marry your best friend”, and Tom is my best friend. We speak almost every day, and when incidents and arguments do happen we have the strength to work past them. We both know and feel that there’s attraction there.
My feelings are so mixed up as I write this that I hardly know which way to think. Every time I turn an avenue in my mind, there are three others. Until I’m so lost in a labyrinth of emotion that I hardly know how to escape.
Do I stay his friend?
Do I push for more?
Do I love him?
Does Jim deserve my hatred (as he has shown to me), or my help?
Is it time for Tom and I to part ways?
I don’t know what to say.