Tom and I had lunch on Friday, and it seemed things were moving back to normal between us.

He’s been the most valued best-friend I’ve ever had, and I wished for more than anything for us to just deal with our fight and move on.

But after  any make-up comes the “what next”?

I’ve left him a couple of Facebook messages, one quite hearfelt, since last night and he’s given no response. A wall of silence.

I hate the wall of silence. As someone raised with very exacting standards of good manners it just feels so rude.

Yet I know, at the same time, it can be very easy in an emotionally charged situation to misread or misinterpret un-replies as the other person giving one the cold shoulder.

Silly, but that is what it feels like. Tom and I used to message each other almost every day. We were always there for each other, and now it feels like I’m being shut out and I don’t know why.

And to be honest, it’s felt that way for a while.

I know things with his boyfriend are taking up so much of his time and energy, but isn’t the point of best friends that they’re meant to be there for each other no matter what?

It felt like that once. It doesn’t anymore.

On the one hand I can’t stand the thought of losing him. On the other I’m tired of his selfish attitudes and self-inflicted martyrdom.

What are we supposed to do when the person who has illuminated the past few months of your life doesn’t seem to care anymore?

Not as a lover, but simply as a friend. Do we ever “break up” with our friends? I thought in Tom I’d found a life-long friend, but as ever in life sometimes we must accept things we wanted the most are not meant to be.

A part of me cares for him deeply, and a larger part thought that caring was returned. But now? It’s as though I barely matter to him sometimes.

Or perhaps it’s that his own issues have become bigger than our friendship, and for whatever reason, he doesn’t want my help through this one.

I think my attempts at reaching out and repairing are done. It’s his turn. If he wants us to move forward and continue being friends, especially best friends, he needs to show me the affability and companionship we’ve shared until recently.

Is this where our paths part? I pray god that it isn’t, and one day soon I get my friend back.

If it is, it will be the hardest breakup I’ll ever have had to do.



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