Well after weeks of interviews, waiting on emails, back and fourths and tortured moments, I have a new job.
I’ll be social media co-ordinator of an exciting, young and vibrant adventure travel company.
I’m so excited to start. The company is amazing, forward thinking and liberal minded. A temple of innovating geekery and thankfully an eschewer of outdating corporate jargon and hierarchies. The interview process was very tough, but to come out the other side having landed an amazing job at such a well-respected and creative company feels incredible.
At least, it mostly does.
The past few weeks especially have been a constant staring match with my phone, waiting in frustration for replies to questions about final interviews, contracts and other info. It’s tested me to what feels like mental limits. And, of course, all the while I’ve been doing my current full time job (social media manager for a web hosting company – try making that sound interesting on Twitter!).
Which possibly explains why, on Friday, after I’d signed and sent back my new contract, I found myself crying. It happened again when I put myself to bed (early) and instead of feeling elated I just sobbed. I thought of the challenges I’d faced over the past year, the long road to landing this job and how I’d have to resign from my current work the next day.
But most of all I looked at the empty space in my double bed, and I cried for that. I’d just achieved something amazing – I was very proud of myself for doing it. But like a crashing wave it hit me that I had no-one to share it with. My friends and family were all pleased for me, of course, but for the first time I just wanted that one special person who can take you in his arms, burrow you under the covers and whisper “well done, darling”.
I realised more strongly than ever how much I don’t have that person in my life. I realised how much I wanted him, wherever he is. Whoever he is.
They say you shouldn’t need someone in your life to complete it. They say you should find inner satisfaction first and learn to be happy with yourself. And until now I’ve often been alone by choice. I spent most of my younger life having to get on with people I despised, so now I’m much more picky about who I bother putting time and effort into being friends with and forming lasting partnerships with.
But really for the first time I truly felt what it was to be without someone. I’ve not really had a serious boyfriend yet, but I suddenly felt the absence of one. My bed seemed so large and cold. My exciting new job and future career suddenly seemed hollow and distant, when all I wanted was for someone to share in my joy. Not in the way of friends which can often drift towards indifference – I mean, honestly, it’s not like it really affects them massively – but to truly share in the experience of celebrating your lover’s triumphs.
Perhaps it was just the overflow of emotion and stress which this whole process piled into my brain. Perhaps I wasn’t thinking properly. Looking at it now I probably wasn’t. But the whole emptiness of that lack of other human contact suddenly upset me.
Something awakened in me, a desire to find him.
Because next time something wonderful happens, I want him there so I can share it with him. And share in his achievements too.
I hope he finds me.