One of my favourite, and most heartbreaking, scenes in all of cinema is from Memoirs of a Geisha.
As Sayuri stands on the cliff top, alone, she takes out her prized handkerchief, the one given to her by the man she loves, and tosses it behind her into the wind. Whereupon it flutters out over the sea.
There is another expression from that film I will always remember:
At the temple, there is a poem called ‘Loss’. It has three lines, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.
Today Tom moved in with Jim. And I’m happy for them, truly I am. Jim and I are friends now, there’s no resentment there, but a part of me, a small part, will always bear a flame for Tom. When we met there was so much chemistry, we could barely keep away from each other.
We connected and a part of me fell for him.
I fell for his sharp tongue and kind nature. His handsome face and his broad shoulders. Now, I suppose I must accept he has fallen for another. When we met he had recently started going out with Jim. I remember when we’d crash at each others’ houses after a night out. I remember feeling his warmth next to me in the winter cold. I remember waking up and seeing his broad shoulders across from me. I remember us whispering in the night together, what I always imagined having a best friend would be like. A part of me wonders if we had been introduced sooner. In another time, in another place, would it have been us moving in together?
I’m sure a part of my upheaval is simply due to jet lag and exhaustion, but suddenly I feel alone. So hopelessly, totally, horribly alone. I know in my heart that this move will affect Tom and I deeply. I do not know if we will have the time or inclination to be best friends anymore, and that thought makes something in me die.
His obligation and heart will belong in that place now. He has made a home somewhere, and I think part of the emotional rent may come from the feelings of deep friendship we shared. I fear it already has.
I would like to think our friendship is strong enough to endure anything, Like the Thames we would cross to meet one another it ran deep and it ran true. However, another famous quote said there cannot be three people in a marriage. And what him and Jim share is a marriage in all but name now.
In truth, I am happy for them. I love Tom and I wish him well.
But I think now is the time to finally discard the dream.