Well tonight became an impromptu second date with Mr. Chris, thought with decidedly less conversation than last time.
We had an hour between me arriving home and him having to go to a meeting, so he came over. He held me in his arms and we lay in the soft candlelight of my room, bringing each other to pleasure.
It was a brief encounter, and a stolen moment, but even in the scant hour I had with him, as I gazed into his eyes, I knew how much I wanted him. I wanted his beautiful body in my bed. I wanted to build something together.
And yet, and yet and yet and yet, there was that evil little voice in the back of my head. I feel so undeserving. So undeserving of a lovely job and (potentially) a lovely boyfriend. Both have gone disastrously wrong in the past. Individually each has gone to hell and left me reeling on the floor, unable to move.
Surely, they’ll just go wrong again? Or so the voice says.
Surely he’ll just stop messaging you. Block you inexplicably as others have done in the past and leave you hurt and kicked to the ground. Surely you’ll just fail, like you have before.
I’ve kept almost-expecting it, and it hasn’t yet come. In fact, he’s made me feel more special and more worthy than any guy I’ve known so far. He’s more of a man than any guy I’ve known so far. He makes the effort to see me, even for just an hour.
Perhaps it’s time to get hopeful. Just a little.