Tonight I went to Tom and Jim’s for a delicious Christmas dinner.
Yesterday, I fell into a complete Black Space. It was almost like depression coming back again. Suddenly, everything just seemed too much. The pressure of this job, the pressure of the burgeoning relationship with Chris, the sheer stress of trying to figure out someone else and whether you’re right for each other. Of whether you’ve reached the point of something more or if it’s still “seeing each other”.
The dinner, in every sense, was what I needed.
But as I watched Tom carve the turkey, I couldn’t help but think how attractive he was. His big shoulders and surprisingly toned arms. Something awoke back inside me, a small long-forgotten longing for him. I used to love it when he’d come and stay over. I didn’t long for his touch, precisely, but there was just something so comforting about having him sleep next to me.
I would never disrupt his happiness, especially since Jim and I have become rather good friends, but the truth is I care for Tom so deeply.
Does he care for me too?
Sometimes I look at how fast the pace of life is moving, and I worry that the currents will carry us away from each other. I worry that, in his personal and professional advancements, he’ll somehow just pass me by. Part of me yearns for the start of the year, when we all had our own apartments and Tom I were able to spend more time together. In many ways I love where the year has taken me, but in others even 12 months ago seemed like a much simpler time.
But I suppose of there’s a time to look back, it’s Christmas, right?
I don’t know what the new year will hold. But I know for certain I want my best friend to be there.