On the train back to London, there are so many bags and cases that people literally can’t get out of the carriage. I wasn’t even aware that closing London King’s Cross was even possible. And yet, apparently it is.
After such a wonderful Christmas, it was the hardest i’ve ever felt in saying goodbye to my home and family. London is still my spiritual home, but more than ever I feel my roots in the countryside of Scotland. Something, at one time, I almost denied.
As I rattle back to London on this overcrowded train, I’m somehow filled with longing and regret. I somehow wish I could have had more time with my family, to enjoy their love and warmth. Somehow the pressure and stress of London seems to fill my mind until I want to turn back and ride this awful train all the way back past Edinburgh to see them.
My life is down here, I know. My job. Perhaps a boyfriend whom I could grow to love. Friends. But like every place and every person there are two sides. There is the sadness, the loneliness and the depression. The feelings of loss and helplessness which are sometimes so difficult to overcome. The endless, endless crowds of souls who seem lost, drowning themselves in a sea of money and wanton deception to try and give some meaning to life.
I love and fear the change of London. It presents wonder sand opportunity but at the same time removes them just as quickly. I fear that loss. People lose jobs, partners, friends with such ruthless and swift abandon it’s a wonder Londoners find the will to get up and stumble to the tube every morning. It frightens m, so very, very much. I cannot say how much it frightens me.
Perhaps because that holy trinity of the young professional – job, partner and friends – is such a fickle series of blessings. I have lost all three since coming to London. Sometimes by choice, sometimes ruthlessly and heartbreakingly.
I pray that this year is a year of success, personally and professionally.
I may be on the most overcrowded train I’ve ever seen in my life, but I’ve never felt so lonely coming back to London.
I miss my family.