After sending Chris a serious-ish message on Saturday asking if he was serious about us moving into 2015, I received no response. After 2 failed attempts to make our next date, I thought maybe this was a sign that things were drawing to a close.
Turns out he was in a car accident. Thankfully, he was OK. Just whiplash and a little sore.
Ironic. The list of excuses people make for the potential partner, and it genuinely happens. He didn’t text back because he was in a car crash.
But if I felt silly for demanding to know if he felt we had a future then, I was about to feel a whole lot worse.
I went for coffee with one of my best friends tonight, and he turned the table around on my head. I thought maybe Chris was losing interest, that he didn’t want to commit to me. It was me. Me me me.
He told me to look at it from his perspective.
Maybe he’s not ready?
Maybe he doesn’t know how he feels?
Maybe if I push him too hard I’ll end up doing the thing I dread most: driving him away.
I realised how silly and selfish I was being. Maybe how selfish I am. I know now how much I need to just let it all go.
My friend admitted that it was easier said than done, but after speaking to him I saw in myself all the things I’d been doing wrong. How after only 2 months of dating I wanting to rush things forward with a man who otherwise was so right for me. I wanted confirmation that he was some future in this, that he was “serious” about us going forward into 2015. Perhaps on some level I had a point, but It was like a revelation of my behaviour, and I suddenly felt so ashamed of myself. Maybe of the way I’ve been acting with Chris.Maybe the way I’ve been acting with my friends. Maybe the way I’ve been acting for years.
I realised that when Chris and I have been together, in the flesh, and enjoying each other’s company, I’ve never been happier. It’s the self-harming poisonous doubt that I do to it when we’re apart that is the harmful toxin I inject into my relationships.
Well, no more. I won’t go through life a minute more in that way. I’ve always been an impatient being, but tonight I realised that’s no more of an excuse than one’s gender, sexuality or skin colour. We’re all human. We’re all impatient for the things we want.
But it’s how we walk the journey to getting them which defines whether we deserve them.