“I’ve been thinking since New Year we might just be better as friends,” said Chris, as I reeled, staring at the screen.
I was hurt, angry, confused. He was breaking up with me, and to add insult to injury, he’d been broken up with me for a month and just hadn’t bothered to tell me.
He was in a car accident earlier this month. Next time someone crashes into him from behind they’ll have my full understanding. .
I told Chris I wasn’t doing this on WhatsApp, and if he wanted to “stay friends”, he could be a man, cover over, and we could discuss this in person. I then went into the kitchen and began slicing vegetables for soup. I couldn’t stop sobbing. As I sit here now, several hours later, I know in my heart he is not coming. I know that we are over.
After telling him to man up, after taking the moral high ground, I went into the kitchen, began cutting up vegetables for soup, and sobbed. I couldn’t stop crying at the thought that Chris didn’t want to be with me anymore. After our magic dates and after all the wonderful times. All the feelings and unspoken words. I couldn’t accept it. Part of me still can’t.
But he’s a bad guy. A bad guy who does bad things. It’s as simple as that.
But just for a little while he was my bad guy. And I loved him so very, very much. Perhaps it wasn’t true love, not yet, but it was something. It was something I wanted to be more. He was what I wanted.
And now we’re nothing.
I’m furious he didn’t have the courage to tell me a mont ago he didn’t want me anymore. But I’m even angrier at myself. I’m angry that I allowed him so much space in my head. I’m angry that for the past month I’ve thought of him very day. Im angry that I allowed myself to become such a fool for him, while all my feelings on him were wasted. I’m angry I wasted my valuable time on him.
My best friend told me that at least I know where I stand now. I suppose he’s right.
I suppose I also emerge a little wiser, from the first relationship I’ve had where a man I felt impossibly attracted to wanted me too, at least for a time.
Don’t fall too fast.
Keep dating other people until he’s sure.
Never, ever waste your feelings on him if he isn’t.
If he wants you, you’ll know.
Make him be a man, or leave him behind.
Never, ever underestimate how much you deserve.
It hurts now, but I know I shall get over it.