Why is it we chase love so hard?
Is it fear of being alone?
Fear of being rejected?
Are those things really so bad?
Our innate desire to find companionship seems to have translated, perhaps descended, into a sickening display of human vanity. People chase partners desperately, unrelentingly. All to conform to something which increasingly seems more detrimental than essential to happiness.
I love the idea of true love. I want to find the man I will spend the rest of my life with. But the feeling which now nags me, now that I have had a fresh dose of rejection and heartbreak, is that we can’t really accept the love of another into our lives until we learn to love ourselves. How can we take the work and strain of a relationship (because any solid partnership requires both) when we cannot accept ourselves?
As I was changing in the toilets at work one day soon after Chris’s rejection I was standing before the mirror in my underwear. I looked at the toned body before me, but suddenly I hated myself. All I saw sickened me. I clawed and tore at my skin, leaving angry red welts all over my stomach and sides. I scratched and scratched, trying to flay away the hate I felt for myself, for him, for my body.
I’ve thought a lot about relationships the past few days, and the worry that I’ll never have something long term. That the only men I ever feel really attracted to are unattainable or not interested. Whenever a man likes me, pursues me, so much of the time I’m not interested.
What’s wrong with me?
I fear that I’ll never find it; that sweet, simple companionship of another person so long for. In my mind I see us sharing a life. I see the apartment, the careers, the dog. I just need to find him,
But what if he’s not even out there?
I used to resign myself to being alone. In high school I thought I’d never find anyone. The thought that I could be alone and facing the world forever now opens up a great void within me, a place of basking fear and despair. But I feel I must face that void, the darkness and the terror. Something inside me drives to accept it.
After we accept something, it no longer holds power over us.
If I can focus on overcoming my own demons, perhaps I can open myself up to someone else.
If he’s even out there.