It was one of those weekends that felt like a new chapter.
It was London Pride, I had been invited to parades, festivals and general excitements.
The thing was, I couldn’t be bothered going.
The stressful and taxing week at work had done me in. Office politics, gripes and assorted other problems had drained my energy down to the bottom. I couldn’t go.
However, Tom and Jim has asked me over for board games, which seemed the right social balance between general gay craziness and blissful meditative silence. It also helped keep my mind clear of James – Private Member Club guy – who was turning 40 that day in a lavish birthday party. After 2 dates, the second of which I had declined to go back to his place, we evidently weren’t close enough yet for me to warrant an invite.
As I watched the casual ease and intimacy of Tom and Jim, I couldn’t help but feel a spike of jealousy. What ever this was, why couldn’t I find it?
Why is it my relationships seem to fizzle out after a date or two, even when all the green lights seem to be there? How rare is it to find the one who stays?
Take James. Totally into me, I can feel my attraction to him rising, I get to know him on the first, date, I stay friendly but don’t sleep with him on the second. Now I message him on Sunday night to arrange our 3rd, and nothing. Gets to Monday night and silence. Not exactly promising, right?
If there’s a major pet peeve of mine, it’s lack of communication. If he’s into you, he’s messaging you. No questions. No exceptions. As bitter a pill as that is to swallow, I guess I have to accept it and move on.
Silence may be golden, but that gold can pour right down your throat and sting like hell.
But over the weekend, as I considered my position at work and went over the things I needed to do to improve the situation – not feeling sidelined by my team in Canada, not being missed off major projects because of the time difference, more trust and working independence from my superiors – I got to thinking about attitude. I may want things to change with this company, just as I may want to be pursued by the kind of men I liked, but changing that was only one side of the coin. The other is that you have to change, too. I realised that I would would have to clear my head and pull myself out of the negative vortexes I was slipping into. And I realised something else:
So many of the decisions we make and the outlook we have seem to come down to personal choice.
It’s really that simple.
We can look at the non-profit arm of a company, say, and we can see the Messiah complex of the CEO, say it’s just a tax avoidance scheme and way to bag a few more column inches in the trades, or we can see the amazing things the projects of that non-profit section do for people around the world. We can look at the beautiful things and happy faces it creates and we can do more to be a part of it. Regardless of who we are, and as someone who has always had something of a cynical streak this is hard in some ways for me to contemplate, we can make a decision to be the latter or the former. We can be positive or negative about the things that happen to us. I don’t mean that in some hippie bullshit new age way, I mean that in the most simplistic, stop and just let it go common sense way. Being negative, being cynical, what does it actually achieve, really?
If Pride teaches us anything, it’s that who we love isn’t a choice; but from what I’ve seen of the world in the past few years, the way we choose to look at it most certainly is.