New chapters indeed.
I had a beautiful date with Mr. James, we went sailing on The Serpentine in Hyde Park. It also turned out to be our last. When I messaged him to meet for drinks this week, he told me he wasn’t feeling it and whatever romance we had had was gone.
I didn’t cry, at least not so he could hear. At least not until I’d hung up the phone.
Was I crying for him?
I’m not sure. Perhaps I was crying for him. Perhaps for me. Perhaps for the loss of something which initially had felt so right. Perhaps for jealousy. Perhaps for hope.
It wasn’t necessarily the loss of him, it was the simple movement, the primordial shift in feeling, from feeling wanted to feeling rejected. Rejection. Loss. Loneliness. The ugly words we fear to have pushed onto us. It wasn’t like Chris; there wasn’t the stringing along, the emotional torture and the immaturity. He was a gentleman to the last. He called and explained his point.
“It ended as well as it could have”, was the way 2 of my friends put it.
I hate that phrase.
It still ended. Whether it ended with screaming and hurling a coat-hanger at his head or with a polite phone call makes no fucking difference. It still ended. I’m still left alone, in bed cold and longing to be in his arms. The only small blessing was that we never slept together. I had no reproach to him there. At the very least, I did not have that pain.
The truth is I feel useless. A few scant months, weeks, seems to be the longest I can make anything last. What is it I’m doing wrong? Other people seem to have relationships for years before they break down and fall apart. Apparently I can destroy them far sooner. It makes me question whether I can do relationships at all. Are we all supposed to find someone, or are some people simply not meant to have it?
Are all the pleasures of life open to us, or are some simply not meant to be enjoyed by all?
Sometimes, I really do despair of finding love. I require so much in a man, can it ever really be fulfilled, or will he just flee away?
When it comes to relationships, are we meant to go out and look, or let them come to us?
Everything feels like a new start right now. It feels like I need space. it feels like some old friendships are slipping away and I need to re-discover the people, the London, the place I came to three years ago to build a new life. It feels like I need to be in control of my life again, It’s like the strands have slipped from my fingers are pulling me along a path I don’t know, that I can’t see. I’m 27 and it still seems as though I haven’t got anything right yet.
But I will.