I hooked up with a man last night. He wasn’t particularly handsome. He didn’t have a great body. He had some charms to recommend him, slender though they may have been. But he wanted to take me back to his place and spoil me. And truthfully I wanted to let him.

As we arrived into his house in Walthamstow and he went to fetch me a drink, who should call but Mr. Giles. It was a bit of a shock, although I loved the fact that he is old fashioned enough to actively call and chat, rather than communicating by a series of tweet-like text messages. Although of all the times for it to happen, this was not the most convenient. I was secretly glad when the signal went out.

My luck, right?

Once in his bedroom, this Frenchman lay me down and massaged my entire body. It was one of the most relaxing, sensual moments of my life. The turn-on wasn’t him physically; it was the simple act of being spoiled. Of enjoying the relaxing, stimulating and teasing touch of another person.

“Relax,” he’d whisper every so often.

It sent shivers down my body.

Of course as the evening wore on he took certain liberties with his hands, ending with both of us panting on the bed before I used his shower and left, probably not looking my best.

It struck me on the way home how I could have so easily ignored him when he chatted me up online. He didn’t look particularly good, truth me told I initially thought he was someone at my office (they looked a little similar) and I thought it would be fun and a little taboo to flirt with Dave from IT. When he invited me over to be massaged, pampered and spoiled, I thought “where’s the harm?”

It’s not the first time I’ve felt the whole online dating thing to be something of a poisonous world. Everything is based on looks, judgement and instant gratification. It’s as though all of London is shuffled into a great pyramid with the very best looking at the top and the rest banished to the lower tiers. Like a horrendous new caste system.

If Shakespeare were writing today, would it be “What’s in a profile pic?”

I think that’s the most un-romantic thought I’ve ever had in my life.


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