Yesterday a man came over. There were no pretensions. He was there so we could throw off our clothes and get into bed together. Now, while I didn’t feel the need to announce it with a foghorn, I like to think it’s fairly obvious when a member of a house of 4 singles has somebody over.

What you should do when you realise a housemate is getting laid:

  1. Leave the house. That is the moment you realise you urgently have to take a walk, go shopping, call a friend for coffee, write in a nearby cafe etc.
  2. Hide in the house. This is the Plan B to the above. If you genuinely have nowhere to be, and can’t creatively make one, then you stay in and mentally think yourself invisible.

What you should not do:

  1. Go into the kitchen and begin making enough noise to wake the Devil. This is not the time to begin throwing together a culinary masterpiece. Particularly not if the housemate getting laid has a room next to the kitchen
  2. Make your presence felt. Nothing is going to kill the passion in the room for the two (or, indeed, more) people in the room faster than knowing there is someone outside who can potentially hear them. Let’s face it, sex is not an audibly pleasing activity. There’s groaning, squelching, wheezing, plopping and creaking (of the bed).
  3. Knock on the door. A tie on the handle is a cliche. In this day and age of sex-savvy London working professionals, I’d day it’s more than a little insulting. We know when our housemates are having sex and we should be happy for them. They’re performing the most basic animal act possible and (hopefully) gaining some pleasure from the banality of life from it. Be happy for them!
  4. Sing. This is not the time to unleash your inner Maria Callas.
  5. Noise in general.
  6. Confront them after. We’re all adults here and sometimes we have sex for fun.
  7. That said, communal spaces are off limits. Always.

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