Thankfully, everything seems to be going well at work again.
Perhaps a storm blew over, perhaps something changed, perhaps I did. I’m not sure, but I’m glad an equilibrium has been reached.
Today, Facebook threw up a memory. It showed me a music video I posted one year ago today; a clip of “I Could Have Danced All Night”. I remember finding it as I lay in bed a year ago. I remember because lying next to me was Chris. The night before we had just had our first date, before he came home with me. I was so happy. I couldn’t believe someone so beautiful, so wonderful, could ever be interested in me. I couldn’t believe we had just slept together. I couldn’t believe he wanted to see me again. Everything was rising in a torrent of deliciousness. Things I could never have imagined.
I didn’t know then that mere months later it would end with nothing but a dismissive text message. That I would rage and hate him.
I listened to that song, where she sings; high on those ecstatic first feelings. A tear came to my eye as I remembered. For a moment, I felt his warmth against me again. I felt his bodily strength.
I remembered that he was as close as I have ever come to loving a man who might, just, have loved me back.
If he hadn’t left me. If he hadn’t disappeared. I have no idea where he is, or where I might ever find him. I have no way of contacting him. He’s lost to me forever, with no way of getting him back. All I have are memories of him. Of my attraction for him. Of my hopes for him.
Nobody since has even come close to lighting that fire inside me. No-one in the last year. I don’t think any boy I’ve ever met was as much of a man as him. Part of me knows I am well rid of him. Part of me wishes somehow he could come back to me.
Will I ever meet someone who will stir the same feelings inside me?
Will there be someone who can love me back?
I have a lot to be proud of, I know. But from that aspect it all looks rather bleak.
It was a memory I could have done without.