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Sometimes, there are so many moves to make in the modern world, we don’t know which way to go.

Especially in a city like London. There’s so many of us, so much competition, so many opportunities, so many reasons to be happy and so many reasons to be miserable.

Zen Buddhism teaches that inner peace can only come from within, that it is a choice. But there are so many ups and downs in city living, it feels impossible to find any sort of equilibrium. Especially as someone who jumps from extreme to extreme, I don’t tend to walk the middle road in any sense. Some days, I have no idea who I am, or where I’m supposed to be going.

I am lucky in that I think I know where I want to go.

I know that I want to stay working in social media. I know that I want to work for a top social media agency in London. I know that I want to chase ambition and earning myself a top position. I want to earn myself more skills in Photoshop, podcasting and video editing, so I can be a multi-platform content creator. Twice in my life in London I’ve had to job hunt, and I can say from my heart they were some of the most depression, draining and difficult times of my life. I want enough talent behind me that I never have to worry again. I want to be choosing my own opportunities, not begging for them.

I know I want to set aside more time to work within the industry. I need to increase my knowledge and my network. If this is indeed my chosen field, I need to be an expert in it. I don’t do things by half measures.

I know that I want to find someone, get married and enjoy domestic life together. I know I don’t want kids (a dog would be much more fun, to my way of thinking). I want to travel and have disposable income together.

I know I want to write. I want to try and re-find a side career as a freelancer. I know I want to finish the novel I’ve been working on and try to have it published, even if I’m just doing it myself.

There’re so many things I want to do. Sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted so much time in my life. Why wasn’t I laying my work foundations while still a student? Why wasn’t I acquiring a better set of skills when I had the time to do so? Why wasn’t I figuring out better ways to make my interests into my job? I graduated in 2010 (ouch). And I feel like so many of my subsequent years were just wasted. Yes, I came to London and made it work. Yes, I got myself started in online editorial and social media management, but I can’t shake the feeling I’m so far behind many of my peers. Friends and colleagues like Marina make me realise how lazy I am and how much more I should be doing.

Anyone else ever feel this?

It seems like the more moves open to us in the modern world, the more barriers there are to prevent them. Online should open worlds of possibilities, but we just scroll through Facebook and Instagram timelines. We spend so much time “organising” ourselves with to-do apps and email, that there’s no time for the substance: the creative work we should be doing. Or so it so often it seems to me in what I see day to day.

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