Well, I had the annual review and it was a mixed bag.
The annual salary raise was pitifully low My friends tell me to be happy with it, that any raise is good news. But I find I cannot be happy with so little after the work that I have done this year. I negotiated an extra 1%, which I dearly hope will go through.
In part, I feel bad for being so grasping. In another, I know that I deserve more than I got. Business is business, as they say. I know I’ve made mistakes this year, but it has been through charting uncharted territory. Surely mistakes are a part of learning? Unfortunately, with social media, mistakes are laid open for the world to see.
I volunteered at a food bank with work last week, and it opened my eyes. I saw how some people live and I found it even more sickening. I realised that there were people who had nothing. It didn’t change my ambition or my drive, but it did throw everything in perspective. It made me very grateful for what I do have.
Partly, I think there was some truth to the negative feedback, which is probably why it stung. Careless mistakes have always been a problem of mine. And now it has come back and bitten out a chunk of my own bottom line: My salary increase. I hate myself for it. I can’t believe a few careless errors have stood in my way, not, after all, the additional research, seminars and learning I’ve done. It makes me sick to think about it.
I suppose resenting the company for not paying me more and resenting myself for little mistakes in the past will get me nowhere. I suppose all there is for it is to take stock and move on. But I find it so hard. I wanted to have big success at this company and this year. I wanted to go home for Christmas with my head held tall and my pockets newly lined for the new year.
People tell me my work this year is still a success, that it’s setting me up for better things in the future.
I try to accept what I knew before: That this would be a learning step in my career, now a cash cow.
But it’s hard. I desire success more than almost anything else. I deliberately push myself hard. So why has it not worked out the way I want? A few spelling errors and not striking the right tone of voice in my copy editing?
That stings to think that that is the way it is. My own errors and mistakes have cost me money.
Well, it will not happen again in 2016. I swear that. No carelessness. No silly errors. I will accept only the best for myself. I won’t have it any other way.