It has been over 24 hours since I got home, and I’m not sure when I felt more wonderful.
It’s not anything specific, although when does Christmas not enhance one’s enjoyment of a particular scenario? But rather it’s the simple feeling of non-pressure, of safety. I understand that’s still rather abstract and unhelpful, but I’m not sure there’s even a particular word for it. It’s just the simple sense of warmth and safety, of positivity and love. Perhaps simply of home.
I can feel the oppressive pressures of the past few weeks melting away as I do my morning yoga and meditation. I feel myself moving, mentally, perhaps, as well as physically, into a space whereby I don’t need to feel angry or stressed. It’s a more calm space, a more relaxed one.
My parents and I have not always got on, but as I’m here and simply drinking in the wonderful feelings of being home with my family, I feel so grateful. I feel grateful for their protection and enduring love. Perhaps last year I was so deeply involved with my feelings for Chris I forget to see and acknowledge it properly. Being single (painfully so) this year, I’ve been free to do more work on myself and be involved in my own inner landscape. I see now how much my parents were always there for me. Perhaps they did not always get it right, perhaps I did not always appreciate it properly.
But I know now that it was there, whether I knew or saw it or not.
It also makes me wonder what my own family will look like. I know I don’t want children, but I do want to have my own family. I know I want to have one other person who loves and is as devoted to me as I am to him. I’d love us to have a cosy apartment in London, both have intense careers and maybe a dog or a cat to keep us occupied. It may sound quaint, camp or even ridiculous to some, but that is my idea of the perfect family. At least for now.
I’m 27 and I want to know: When will I find it?
I love and am so grateful for what I have and have always had with the beautiful family I was born with. But I also know it won’t be there forever. Perhaps it’s my Dad’s illness and back pain which has made it starker. But I know I need to find a man as strong, as wise and as flawed as he is.
The task of filling the shoes of my family is a huge ask. But I’ve realised that that is precisely what I demand of any man who wants to be in my future. That, and nothing less.