As my time at home comes to a close, I’m full of mixed emotions. It has been such a wonderful trip home. From learning about the stock market to sewing with Mum to reading. It just feels like a rejuvenation on all levels.
I had a very peculiar dream the other day. A lot of the book I’ve been reading lately, about the psychological study of luck, is about letting go of your more base feelings. Anxiety and fear, hate and despair. I used to almost ritually hold onto these feelings. I’d loathe people and embrace my dislike of them. I’d see people on Facebook, even close friends, and I’d feel very jealous of them. Jealous of their successes and relationships. I would know, even as I was having these feelings, that I shouldn’t. That I should feel happy for them. But something blocked me.
Perhaps it was a difficult childhood and adolescence. Perhaps it was the naturally selfish attitude I possess. I’m not sure.
But the other day, I dreamed there was a giant light above my bed. It was a cluster of crystals, the points pointing down. As I slept, I watched all the darkness inside me flow from my body up into the light, into the shards and facets. I looked down upon myself, my mental body separate from my physical.
I saw visions of people who I had felt angry or frustrated towards. One, in particular, was an acquaintance of mine. A “model” (she takes a lot of selfies and puts them on Facebook, how this makes her a professional model I’m not sure). Every time I see one of her narcissistic, delusional updates I feel angry. I want to pull her out from this ridiculous fantasy in which she’s spun herself and the people around her. As I dreamed of her face, I no longer felt that anger at her. I felt the need, oddly, to just support her. Perhaps I’ll message her and connect with her again, perhaps not. It was a very powerful feeling of cleansing and an almost physical manifestation of what I’ve been reading about, as though something was pulling all those mental blocks I’d created for myself away.
Now I don’t subscribe to a lot of spiritual practice. I undoubtedly have that side of me, but a large amount of what’s out there I view with a healthy degree of skepticism.
Perhaps the dream nwas just a dream, perhaps it was something more. I don’t claim to posess the knowledge to know either way.
But what I can say is the wonderful feelings inside me now. As though years of thinking and feelin wrongly have been awept away and I can begin the new year more alive and more positive than before. Hopefully more giving and more self-assured too.
I don’t think a break at home has been more needed, more welcome or more beneficial.