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I don’t think it was until today that I realised most of my best friends are already in relationships. I’m 27, and yet am already beginning to feel like the old spinster in my social circle. I look at the boyfriends and partners of most of my friends, and, as horrible as it sounds, I think about how unattractive I find them.

My friend Marina likes to joke that I’m too loose. And when it comes to just having fun, it’s true my standards tend to go down faster than I do. but when it comes to dating?

When it comes to dating I find it so hard to be pleased. It hardly ever happens that I even want to see a guy a second time. And when I do, as the fickle gods of dating go, he usually doesn’t want to see me.

I watch my friends in their relationships, the relationships that at once I do and don’t envy, and wonder how it’s done. How do you meet that someone? I don’t think apps and digital dating are really me. For whatever reason I don’t think the boys I like are on there. Mainly because I need men. Or a man. Strong, hard working, ambitions, successful, cultured and wise.

Like Chris. Like Ivan. Except not a coward or a serial sugar daddy.

Just that one man and me, building a life together. Except I don’t know where to find him. And I don’t feel like I want to wait much longer. I’m tired of dating. I’m tired of sifting through wads of fools and clowns.

Frankly, it pisses me off. I’m alright to look at. I have dreams and goals and my career is off to a great start. I’m educated and clever. Why do I have to be the one who is left behind? Why do I have to see people more selfish, more demanding, more nasty, in happy and fulfilled relationships while I must fall asleep with only memories? It isn’t fair. It just isn’t fair.

Why does it have to be so fucking hard?

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One thought on “It’s fucking hard

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