With a sprained back this week, I’ve had some time to sit and ponder. About this and about that. Things that have come before and where they might have gone.

When I was freelancing straight after uni, I had some contracts with PKR.com, one of my favourite online poker rooms at the time. I found out, several years later, that the media manager at the time planned to bring me on full-time, on a 30k salary which it took me about 5 years to make going out on my own.

We’re told that we should never regret the past. But what about wondering? I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if that job had worked out, instead of the fucking recession happening. I realise that overall, I’ve done pretty well. That I’m very lucky to be working it in the City of London with a great job, great friends and a career that’s going places. But it took me a good few years to get here. What if I had started here only a few short months out of uni? Would I be happier? More successful?

It’s like the other night, I had an incredibly erotic dream about my best friend Tom. When we met the sparks flew; we couldn’t help but flirt. If one of us had reached out, I don’t think the other could have resisted. There was just one problem: He was already taken. Rocky, but taken. What would have happened if we had given in to our feelings? What if we hadn’t listened to reason? Would we be together? Happy? Still friends?

I can’t help but wonder. The lives never lives and the feelings never surrendered to. London is the city of a thousand opportunities, but it’a also the metropolis of ten thousand regrets. The urban mass where personal space is non-existent and, like the sprawling tube map we all have to follow, life tangles and spreads into places we don’t know if we can go, or if it’s even possible.

Every day I’m thankful that I came to London and made it work. Even if this year my pay rise was minimal. Even if I’m currently alone. Even if I have so many dreams, goals and plans they spin around my mind like moons orbiting a planet, and I don’t know which to land on first.

I know I need to move forward in so many aspects, and I need to do it now. But when I think about the past, I just can’t help but wonder.


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