I can feel currents of chance and change starting to move.
I viewed the most wonderful flat in Angel last night. I have good feelings about it. It was just perfect, every reasonable box ticked and the housemates were the best I could ask for. I just hope and pray I’m the lucky one who gets the offer.
Previous contacts of mine are coming forward for “discussions” about my future, which is all I need at this point. I’m happy in my job but I know eventually the time will come to move on. I’m studying for my Google Analytics exams to this end, to move my skills beyond simply social media and into the deeper aspects of digital.
I need a new place to live. I need to feel new opportunities coming forward.
Otherwise, what are we? Static. Like the housemates I want to leave behind. They’re good people, but they complain constantly about their situation with no moves or motivation to change it. I can’t be around that kind of negativity any longer. To that end, I’ve tried to take forward the lessons that I learned from Marina in the months we were working together. I miss her terribly during the working day; all the little anecdotes and pieces of wisdom we would share with one another. She could be infuriating and impossible, but somehow we connected. If I move to Angel, where she lives, I hope we can meet regularly. I feel that she may be one of the truest friendships I’ll ever know. She calls me moving there “a dream come true”; I doubt she’ll ever truly know all the myriad of ways she helped and inspired me.
My friend Karly announced to me tonight that she and her husband have separated. As she calmly told me the news, I couldn’t help but silently bleed for her. Like Marina, she is a woman who comports herself with nothing but the highest standards of dignity. Another woman I can learn from. Karly explained that there was little point in feeling upset as she knew it was the right decision. She’s moving to Highgate with a friend and starting her live over again.
The new words of a story are so often the most exciting. The blank pages of the book wait to be filled in. As the London days turn warmer, I feel imbued with a new sense of lightness and optimism.
People can do their best to bring me down at work; I can laugh at them and rise above their petty squabbles, looking to a brighter future with dreams that have never even entered their vapid heads.
I can dwell on the failed relationships and loneliness of recent months, or I can look at the prospects of the future. I can look inside and, like Karly and Marina, find my own strength and will to support me. It feels like we’re moving into a summer of new chapters. Marina in her new job. Karly in her new life. Me in…I’m not sure what yet.
But I know that I can find it, if I go out and look. I know that being a wallflower gets you nowhere. At work, Marina would speak of things like “taking responsibility for what’s in your inbox” and how in any survey she’d always rate herself with five stars. Anything less would be a failure and her own standards were the highest she could ever have. It made me realise just how passive I’ve been at certain periods of my life, how that is time I’ll never get back.
But no more. I can make my standards higher. I can make my ambitions more real. I can change where I’m living and I can arm myself with new skills to advance my career.
How often do we blame things on the external factors around us? Like my housemate blaming his tiredness and misery on his dull-as-dishwater teaching job. Women like Karly and Marina have shown me just how much resilience there is, how much potential. So often we wait for the dream job or the dream partner, even if we don’t realise that we’re waiting.
But waiting is for fairy tales. The real success, and the real happiness, comes from getting our feet wet and making waves. We can let life move us or we can move things and make a life for ourselves.
My parents commented how ‘Zen’ I’ve been since I came back from my time in Japan. Really, I think travelling to the other side of the Earth and immersing myself in a wealth of new experiences helped me get some perspective on life. It made me realise that, sometimes, we can’t move on from all our problems. But we can make the decision to simply move.