Two weeks ago today, my boss’s brutal lies finally bore fruit and he got me fired. I came home in a daze, unsure what to do. I had long since lost any inspiration to work there and was only going through the motions. The next day I was in a meeting with my friend to do freelance work for his production company. The same week I had 3 recruitment agents reach out to me, and my first interview is tomorrow – for an agency that seems right up my street.
I was never really upset, only angry. I was so disgusted with my former boss that I wanted to hurt him. Psychologically, I wasn’t really sure where my head was supposed to be. I was supposed to be upset that I had lost my job, but I only felt glad, really, that I was finally free of it. Free of its assorted ridiculousness and my stupid team mates with all their airs and pretension. My confidence was knocked sideways by the horrible things my boss has said. I had freelance work that I had to get on with, but there were times where I could only sit and ponder. My head needed time to process and recover. To think what I really wanted and how to get there.
It was never the way that I wanted to leave, and I’m frightened to be without full-time work again. But really, I’m more excited to find what comes next. The company I was at was not fulfilling me. There is something better out there.
In truth, it was an emotional roller coaster over the past month. My wonderful long weekend with Wilt, how much I thought of him. Then being terminated. My head was done, it couldn’t take any more. In truth, I’m grateful for these days at home. But between work, CV edits and calls with recruitment agents, I’ve barely had the time I’ve been craving. I want time just to be with me, to re-discover who me is. I want time to meditate and just feel the freedom. Then it comes around again and I feel afeared for wanting those things; because in truth I need full-time work more than I need time to sit and self-indulge.
I fear not knowing what the road ahead will be, but I know I couldn’t go back to what I was doing before. I need some of the unknown in my every day; to be faced with fresh challenges and meet the unexpected.
It’s funny how in this mindset the smallest things become suddenly dwarfing and gargantuan. Alone all day, when friends can’t see you in the evening it suddenly stings. I look out the window and it feels like the world is moving on without me. That I’ve somehow lost something or been unworthy of something – the feelings of failure and resentment towards myself grow and built until they threaten to overwhelm. On the fringes of my mind, I feel the darkness gathering again, threatening to come as it did before. The depression and the despair which want to wrap their black tendrils around my mind and overwhelm me. Certain things fuel it – when I think of successful friends of mine, or uni colleagues who found a single job after graduating and have happily stayed in the same company for 5 years. While I have scrabbled and scraped about, shifting from job to job and stitching them together with freelance work. I swore that the next opportunity will be the one which sticks, the one where I will make my mark.
But in truth, I think that these dark thoughts are simply a part of us, and we control what they can and cannot do. I can let the darkness crush me beneath its weight, so all I can do is sink under the covers and succumb to grief, or I can pick myself up and move on. I can fight it.
Every night I miss Wilt, I think of his strong arms and how they held me. But I know that he is not coming back anytime soon and that he cannot save me. The memories of our time together shine brightly in my mind, but this is my time and my new chapter. Friend or foe, I know that nobody else can write it but me.