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I interviewed at an agency and got down to the final few, but unfortunately, I didn’t land the Community Manager job.

I was disappointed, of course. But more because I hoped I could just find my next role at the first hurdle and that would be that – clean and simple.

But I was more glad. Community Manager really didn’t feel like the right role for me. The truth is, I hate having to do customer service duties on social. I really have no patience or sympathy with it, or to deal with other people’s stupidity.

I love the strategy and the content management side of the game, however, and that is the place for me. That’s where I want to go. Somehow, the more I interviewed for this job is seemed to be more digital nanny than innovative creator.

I also realised something this week as I was listening to a meditation about finding your true path. I realised how much I need the validation of others in my work. Now, that may sound shallow and vain, and perhaps it is, but I suddenly realised that’s the way I’ve always been. Whether it was painting a vibrant and detailed picture, learning a difficult piece of music, acting a character onstage, or even writing something – I was doing it for others as much as myself. Yes, I wanted the challenge of it. Yes, I desired to make myself proud. But a part of me always knew that I wanted that moment where I presented my work to someone else and they would be enthralled with it.

I don’t think this is necessary a bad thing; it made me work all the harder to make the piece of art worth presenting. But I wanted to wow myself, wow a group, wow the world. I wanted to feel the adulation and wonder. I wanted to put my imagination on display for all to see.

And I still need that. It’s not a bad thing as it made me good at those things – I would give an audience what they wanted. Always.

But it made me realise that in my job I need the possibility of that. I can’t simply graft all day sorting out problems with work which will simply never be noticed. I need to be completing projects which will make people say “wow”. Somehow, I fell that it is simply a fundamental part of me, this need for an audience. It is engrained too deeply to simply meditate away. It is not some shallow desire, it is who I am.

I realised that all the roles I’ve ever thought or fantasised about have all had this in common, this ability to impress and move people. For them to praise you and your talent.

Actor
Singer
Designer
Writer
Artist

All spin fantastical work for the pleasure of the public. All can and do need to be loved by the public.

For better or worse, that is what I need. That is what I must find.

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