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I hardly know what to think.

One of my best friends was seeing the guy I was seeing behind my back. Yes, we weren’t “serious” yet and, yes, we were taking things slow. But he’d known me for four years – he should have known when I was serious about someone. He should have known better than to take that away from me.

The man who was my support and my rock through my tumultuous professional mess is gone.

A break-up would be bad enough. A break up because for weeks he and one of my closest friends had been getting it on?  Every feeling revolts.

Or at least they did when yesterday he called to tell me. I sat in stunned silence, in the little office booth where I was working, and I shook. I messaged Tom and we met for lunch, where he held me as I sobbed. I couldn’t believe it; part of me thought it must be a joke.

I was due to meet my friend in the evening anyway; I had to look him in the eye and know the truth. We sat in some of the most awkward silences of my life. Eventually ,he did concede that they had been wrong not to tell me, and he apologised for that. Not for what he did, just for keeping me in the dark.

I stayed completely poker-faced throughout our encounter, something I’ve never done with him before. Between the silences, I said what I needed to say – that I felt betrayed; that if the tables were reversed I would never do such a thing to him. I think he knew somehow he was in the wrong, but his stubbornness held him fast. We left it that I would think about things and get back to him; to both of them.

The truth is I don’t want to break friends. My friend means too much to me. We’ve been through too much together. To sever ties with him would be to sever ties with so much that I know and love in London. His housemates and our mutual friends. Gaming evenings and nights at Show Off. I can’t lose them. I can’t lose him.

But I’m so angry and disappointed in the both of them. To my friend especially, who knows the shit I’ve gone through with men the past few years. Why couldn’t he just let me keep Lewis for myself? Why did he have to take something away that was making me happy?

I felt bad yesterday morning. Now…Now I think I’m at rock bottom. I was fucked over professionally last month, and this month I’ve been fucked over personally. A full horror movie. I don’t know where I’m meant to go from here. I don’t know what cosmic forces I’ve somehow offended, but it seems that every little rug of comfort has been stripped from me; pulled away bit by bit. At a time when I most need friends around me, they are slipping away. At a time when I need stability, I have none.

My life is a mess from almost every angle and the fear sets in in earnest. It is a surreal feeling, as though none of it is real. But it is, the harsh reality awaits there behind the games and fantasies to strip me of my comfort.

I truly do not know what to do.

 

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