On Saturday I was kept busy at the gym, a friend’s birthday in the park and then another friend’s concert in the evening. I barely had time to think about the horrible events of last week: the job fear, being broken up with, finding out he and one of my best friends had been seeing each other without my knowledge. I had to cope and deal with it. I had to get the story from my friend, figure out how I felt about it and then decide what I was doing about it. We are too engrained in each other’s lives to simply break friends, so I had to decide what and how it would take for me to draw a line in the sand and move on.
So by the time Sunday rolled around, I found I wasn’t good for doing much of anything. I couldn’t. Even getting up, getting showered and getting dressed was a gargantuan effort. And after that? All I wanted to do was lie on the bed and watch things. It was like after all the emotional upheavals of recent days my brain had shut down completely. Every so often I would order my body to move, to get up and do something. But I couldn’t. I slept on and off for most of the day. It was as though my head and heart had taken all that they could and needed time to reboot.
Now it’s 7am on a Monday morning and I’m just as confused as ever. Sometimes the aftermath of a situation is far harder to cope with than the situation itself.
I’ve no full time job to pour time and energy into, and I’ve no-one to support me through the painful search. I don’t know which way to turn. In these situations you’re supposed to rely on yourself, but I find I’ve been doing exactly the opposite. And I find I can’t help it. I’m not enough to see myself through even when I’m at my strongest. And right now, I feel like I’m nothing at all. I’m broken.
I’ve been betrayed in my professional and then my personal lives. Everything that I thought I was is fading away, and I don’t know if I have the strength to get myself through. Some days I feel like I honestly don’t care; that life is just too hard.
What is it I’m actually pushing forward for anyway? My ambition is drying up, I have nobody and I find myself simply loathing my own life. After that, what’s the point?
The anxiety and fear I felt last week have increased ten fold. To even move forward in baby steps is an achievment. As pathetic as that sounds. But right now I am pathetic, and I’m so painfully aware of it. Where do I go from here and what do I do? And with whom?
The answers are probably out there but I find that I have no inclination to find them. I’m too broken and I don’t know how to put myself back together.