In the aftermath of one of my best friends and my boyfriend getting it on together behind my back, I may have forgiven and tried to move on, but it seems that others are not quite as open. There have been other fallouts and one of my favourite gaming groups, which we were all part of, has fallen apart. It really crushes me as I loved it so. It was one of the things propping me up; to enter into the fantasy world of a game for a few hours was a way to escape my reality, away from the world of freelance work, job applications and interviews.
The strange thing is, having this wonderful group falling apart, has had quite the opposite effect that I thought it would. It should have sent me spiralling down ever-further into the black depths of my despair, but oddly it seems to have been the trigger which has turned me around to face the light again. When you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but to start building yourself back up again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m devastated by all that’s happened, and seems to be continuing to happen, but this final act of fate has made me realise that the path I’m on can’t continue; I need to make things different and set myself on a new path.
I turned over a fresh page in my work notebook today and decided that the present course has to end. Lurching from misery to misery and indulging in food and sex to make myself feel better. It’s exactly what I feared when that asshole lied to get me fired last month. Yes, I’ve suffered. Yes, I’ve been cheated on and things I love have fallen apart. But there’s still everything to play for and I’m not ready to give it all up yet. When I first came to London four years ago I was scared and frightened; I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know anybody. Now I may have lost people, I may have been cast out alone again, but I can start anew. I will see what has happened as an opportunity only, to pursue the things I really want and develop the skills and talents that I need.
Life may have dealt me a rotten hand recently, but like any good card player I can rely on myself and not my luck.
On that fresh page, I wrote down what I need:
- To go to the gym every day.
- To re-ignite my healthy eating regimen, with smoothies, chicken and lots of veg.
- Re-start my Google Analytics course and complete the exam.
- Develop skills in Photoshop to help in my job search in a social/content role.
- Finish the first draft of my novel.
- Meditate daily to keep my mind and head clear.
- Find a new gaming group here in London to continue what I love and expand my social circle.
- Find a new full-time role in content and social media production – preferably in an agency or in gaming.
Now I just need to stick to my resolve and follow through. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as making a list and sticking to it. And it’s all perfectly possible, that’s the thing. Sometimes when things pile on top of us and get us down, it can get so hard to get up and move ourselves on. Or at least that’s what I’m finding. On Sunday, even getting up and opening the curtains was an effort. But I know I’m stronger than what my circumstances are.I know that I can find my happiness again.
I know that I can find my happiness again.