I went along to an agency for an interview on Wednesday. While the company itself was perfect, the role itself I had deep reservations about.

After being emailed the specs by their Head of Social Media and Content fellow, I could see that it was “entry level”, that it talked of “supporting the team”. Naturally, this gave me some deep reservations. This felt like a step back. Unsure, I resolved to go along and do the interview anyway, at least to see what the agency was like.

It was, in a word, perfect.

Their clients were wonderful, their attitude was spot on, and their Head of Social and Content seemed like a brilliant brain. Moreover, he acknowledged that my knowledge and skills surpassed the specifications, and they would be willing to speak about increasing the salary. He confirmed this is an email welcoming me to Round 2 of the process. They seem to want me, and I can’t help but feel that this could be a wonderful next step in my career. Lord, if it is to be my next step, please let it be the right one.

But it has allowed me to hope again. It has allowed me to think that there are new opportunities out there for me.

And what a task they have sent over. Having to design an entire digital strategy  for one of the UK’s major music events. It’s exactly the sort of challenge I want to spent my time doing. Yet I’m frightened of failing the challenge they’ve set me. It is far bigger and far more complex than anything I’ve faced before. I have to prepare a 25 minute presentation on the music event they’ve selected and outline my thoughts on each of the stages in the marketing.

I’m sweating just thinking about it. Not because I fear the presentation, because I fear that I will not do myself justice. That my ideas will not be original enough. That I will not be the star player I wish to be.

It is that most awkward of phases where I know that I want them, but can I deliver enough to make them want me? Enough to make me an offer? Enough for them to increase on my previous salary?

I suppose I shall just have to give it my best shot. Though I think it will highlight my faults as much as it will illustrate my favours.

Sometimes, I really do think that I would be much more suited to sitting at home simply penning novels. What a wonderful life that would be. But that’s a fantasy for another time. Unfortunately, it’s a rare and lucky person who earns enough money to live solely by their pen.

The thing is, whether it’s penning the fantasy stories I love so, learning the skills I want to learn or simply working, I fear I am simply far too lazy. I find that my concerntration lapses and goes blank far too quickly. I find that I lose faith with the project and with myself too fast. I know I have the potential to do so much more, but I find that all-too-often I prefer to lapse into daydreams than make good on what I need to do.

I used to be so brimming with ambition that I felt I could keep going for hours, now I work for barely a couple of hours and need a break, or I get bored and just want to stop. The freelance work I am doing right now is far from fascinating, but really, it is a fundemental flaw in my character which I must address. It is not that I do not want to learn Google Analytics, improve my Photoshop skills, or complete a novel. I want to do all those things and more. I just…don’t. I find my spirit flags and I would much rather lay down upon the bed. Yes, my soul and spirit was crushed by the recent events, but taking my work ethic with them is really inexcusable. It is not a situation outside of my control, it is simply a decision to be made. To better myself or not.

Yet somehow I seem to have fallen farther than I anticipated. I seem to have been scattered and I need to find myself again.

But at least now I may do so with some hope. And really, is there anything more satisfying than bettering yourself? I need to find the joy in being myself agian.


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