It was the strangest thing.
“Have you heard the news?” came the text from someone at my old job, the one where my manager and Director told horrible lies to have me fired; the one where I watched other marketing management bully and psychologically torture people into leaving.
I replied that I hadn’t.
It turns out the whole of the senior management have been fired, including the old harpy who had had me fired with her wicked lies. I’ll admit to feelings of elation when I heard. It was and is no more than they all so richly deserve. And it puts the company in a largely fucked position. Something else I’m not unhappy about. As far as I’m concerned, that company and all its “do good” philosophies can take a one-way nose dive into hell.
I messaged and talked to various people to gain more intel; it seems that it was due to extreme dissatisfaction within their teams, reflective of their own incompetence.
I was so happy. It may have been wrong, but I was. What they had done to me had left me battered and broken, had thrown me out without any thought or warning. I was joyous. Especially the old crow Jill, who had helped fabricate the lies used against me. I had the urge to do everything I could to kick her while she was down, to heighten her catastrophic fall from grace. Make sure she felt every inch of what she had done to me.
I felt my ill-wishing of the company was coming true, the hatred and hurt which had poured out of me blowing up in a way which I could never have imagined. A smirk of shameless triumph gleaned onto my lips.
But it was a tainted triumph, as of course I expect it had to be. I did want to hurt Jill, I wanted to hurt this company.
This was Karma is the truest possible sense. But that was precisely what worried me.
I thought of James and the fledgeling relationship we were starting, how much I wanted to get to know him and how strong my feelings for him were growing. I was suddenly scared that my hate and ill-wishing would come back and harm my own Karma. I worried that my cursing would last too long and affect the wrong people. Namely me. Namely James.
I’m frightened that my own cosmic malfunctions will come back and destroy something that I was holding so dear. The thing with James is in the early stages where it feels like a fragile little sparrow; one that could be crushed or fly away at a moment’s notice. The slightest ruffle could blow it away and this was hardly something small.
Am I wrong to be pleased that they all got fired, including the bitch who hurt me?
Am I right to be scared it could ruin something which I want so much and which feels like it could be the start of an amazing chapter?
I was full of love. Then full of vitriol. Now I’m just filled with uncertainty.