My word, it’s only Monday and already my week is off to a mad start. I’ve had verbal confirmation today that I’m getting promoted and will soon become a social media strategist at this new agency. Just what I wanted!

But for all I’m thrilled, my mind spins like a compass to the weekend. To James. He came over early Saturday morning and for hours we just lay in bed holding each other, stopped down our underwear. First, he held me to his broad chest, cuddling me as we dozed. As he fell asleep, I opened my eyes a little just to watch him. His eyelashes sat delicately on his cheeks, his chest lifting me gently up and down.

As he fell from snoozing into true sleep, he went from light snores into a breezing, pealing almost whale-like sound. It was utterly adorable. I closed my eyes and imagined he was a great, sleek whale that I was riding to the bottom of the sea. I wanted to memorise him; to memorise this moment. It was one of those gold-drenched snatches of time when everything is perfect. When he’s there in your bed and you’re warm together and there’s nothing to spoil it or get in the way. When he wakes up and sees you there and his face lights up with a smile.

I want him so. This is the 4th time we’ve seen each other and I want things to go further. I want to delete the apps and be just with him. But does he want those things too? I dare not hope for too much. I’ve hoped before and it all went horribly, catastrophically wrong.

He doesn’t seem like the sort of man to message you and just say that it’s all over, but then again they really do, do they?

When I close my eyes and think of his broad back under me, of massaging the oil into his enormous shoulders and down his spine, I can barely speak for the memory of the lust I felt for him. When he held me in his arms and we chatted geekily about video games, it was the quiet contentment of two good friends. Well, aside from the fact that we were both entirely naked by that point.

I’m too busy during the day now to spare a second thought for anything else, but when my mind does wanter all it wants is to think of him, to preserve and protect our moment together. To hope and pray that he is thinking of me too. That he secretly feels the way that I feel, that one day soon we can delete the app we met on, along with all the other ones, and just be together as the two of us. Part of me thinks that we could be so happy.

But does he feel the same? And when are you supposed to bring it up? After which point is it supposed to move from the casual courtship of the early stages into the gravitas of trying to create something more serious?

I suppose it’s one of those things that you just can’t rush. I know that you should just stay grounded in the moment and enjoy it as it moves at its own pace. I’m just a terribly impatient person; I’m always trying to rush onto the next thing.

Fast or slow, all I know is how much I want to move forward with him. I remember murmuring his name as I came, of the warm weight of him, of him holding me so protectively and me holding him back.

Beyond any joy I might be feeling today is the desire for him. Not in the sense of a base desire for him physically, or even mentally, just in the sense of wanting him here with me. I want us together.


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