I don’t think I can keep this up. I think that, surely, this role must be a matter of months rather than years. Perhaps even weeks. Sometimes, God help me, I wish it was a matter of days.
Everything is so mixed up and convoluted, but I know that every morning, as I take the Central Line all the way across London and arrive annoyed and sweating (admittedly not the best way to start the day) that I just dread the thought of what ridiculous knots I’m going to have to untangle today.
And they’re not knots I want to be untangling that’s the problem. If it was complex digital strategies and tough clients, then that would be a challenge to relish. But it’s not. It’s how to contact a huge number of competition winners in a negative amount of time via Facebook or how to somehow make a database of hundreds of bloggers which your boss (who knows nothing about digital or social media) thinks should take “just a couple of hours”. It’s the fact that the past 2 nights I’ve been out on company business until past 10 and still have to be in at 9am the next day. I have to sit and give pleasant customer service responses via Twitter and Facebook which I hate. And, frankly, it’s a waste of any digital talent which I have.
And then sometimes, if I’m lucky, between all my other pointless duties, I get my experience of doing client-side strategy.
Now they’ve promised me a promotion. They’ve promised me more money. But they’ve also promised that that won’t be for another month at least. How long do I wait around doing the grunt work for them to make good on their promise? I could be waiting forever.
Behind the scenes at this agency, I get the impression that things are not all that they seem. If they lost their main client, things would collapse. When the CEO visits high profile events, he has one of the strapping lads from the company dress up like a bodyguard to make him look more important (and to save him the expense of hiring a real one). It all just seems a lot of smoke and mirrors frankly.
I was at the offices of We Are Social this week, a truly fantastic agency which I idolise. Truthfully, I can’t wait until I’m working there. Somewhere, I’m sure that it’s supposed to be my next step. They’re just the best at what they do, and I want to work in a place devoted to excellence. Whether it’s art or music or writing, I love the pursuit of excellence. And, I’ve come to realise, excellence is one of those metaphysical goals which can only be achieved in the right environment. When you’re trying to make the best of it with an indifferent manager and a motley team, it becomes a whole lot harder. In that case, it would be easier to pursue it alone.
Truthfully, I don’t know where this role is taking me, and I think that’s what scares me. I go there every morning with a deep anxiety in my stomach. Is that normal, or is it a sign that things need to change?
Everything with James isn’t helping. We’ve been seeing each other for a month now, and it’s sitting in limbo. The initial thrill of the courtship is giving way to the question of what this is and where it is going. We will need to decide soon if this has just been some fun or if we want it to be, if not something more, then at least decide if it’s on the road.
In one way, I’m so annoyed at myself. I should be in a great place with a new job, a rapid promotion and a wonderful man who seem to be giving all the signs of wanting a relationship. So why do I feel only stress and anxiety? Why is the happiness not coursing through my veins?
Maybe because I’m a realist and know how wicked men can be; how disappointing bosses can prove. Maybe I’ve just had so much false coin in my life that I’m reaching a place where my mind doesn’t trust itself to be happy. I hope not.
I know what I need to do. I know that I need to build myself a list of things to achieve, things I want to learn so that I can focus and grow myself from within. When you do that, everything external – jobs, boyfriends – become simply hearsay to the journey that you’re on. As it should be. Yet the stress is draining me so much that at times all I want to do is shut out the outside world and get lost in the worlds of one of my favourite books. Sometimes I don’t have the strength for anything else.
Everything is going well and yet I still feel lost. Lost personally. Lost professionally. Lost in myself. I’m searching for some sort of mental clarity to cut through the noise and yet I can’t seem to find it. Things like exercise, writing or friends
can all help but they’re simply an alleviation, not a solution.
But if they aren’t enough to banish these negative feelings, what is? If I know the diagnosis, then why can’t I figure out the cure?
Is it the things in my reality which are stressing me, or am I simply stressing myself? I don’t know anymore. It’s all so convoluted and mixed up together that I can’t tell anymore.
I feel that the contentment I crave is dancing just beyond my fingertips, but I can’t reach it. I feel that the struggle in me can’t keep going, that soon I will burn myself raw with it all. The problems, rather than solving, are simply growing and breeding to become even bigger problems.
The real problem is that I can’t see any solutions.