Well, he’s not messaged me for 5 days. Does that mean it’s all over?

I’m not sure. Surely in the early stages, you’re supposed to be so keen to see one another you can barely keep away? This is starting to all feel a bit like I need to keep pinning him down between his nights out and his “intense workload”.

I’m afraid I don’t buy that as an excuse. We’re all busy. If you’re too busy to court me properly then you don’t deserve my time.

But God, I can’t stop thinking of him. Every time my mind isn’t on something else, it swings to him. To his face, his arms, his touch. All the little details of our time together. If he is seeing someone else and prefers them the jealousy will eat me up; I think it might break me to lose him like that.

But surely a 5-day silence is not a good sign?

I’ve never given much thought or consideration to the dating “rules” (a term I loathe), so I’m never really sure of what the protocol is.

All I know is that deep inside me I long for him. It aches. I have to masturbate just to release myself, or the heat will burn me up from within. Part of me really thought this was it, that he was the one for me. All the chemistry just feels so right when we’re together, like jigsaw pieces just fitting together with no strain or effort. Can that really be all thrown away just on a few days of digital silence?

Work is so stressful sometimes that I could scream. Some of the challenges are great, and I know that long-term it will serve me extremely well. But day to day I’m not sure how long I can go on. So many finer points of ridiculousness that I find myself wanting to jump upon the table and bellow “I don’t care!” over and over.

Work frays my nerves and the radio silence from James shreds them, until all I want to do is go home and sleep or read novels. I need a day off. I think if I could have even just one day all to myself, I think I would be very happy. Or at least more happy than I am now.

Sometimes I wonder what all the fighting is for. And then I think of him lying next to me. I think of the feeling of his arms around me. Not the obvious feelings of joy or lust, although both of those are there, it goes far deeper. With him, I feel something primal. Something that says I need him. Something I felt with Wilt or Chris. It’s the feeling of safety in having someone else there, something that I think comes from our most base state of being. Perhaps some people in this world can live happily without it, but I do not think I can. I need to go through life with someone there. Someone who holds me as I hold them. Someone who evokes that most deep and most simply feeling of contentment as we lay beside one another.

There has always been too much feeling in me, feelings that I need to channel somewhere. I feel that I have so much love to give, and in return I want someone who brings forward that feeling of complete safety that I crave so deeply. Perhaps it really is a primal part of my mind, perhaps it comes from years of not feeling safe at all, even in my own bed. I don’t know, and truthfully it’s not an aspect of myself that I need to delve deeply into.

All I know is that I don’t want to go through life alone. You can say that, in this day and age, all that is just romantic sensibility, we’re all supposed to be strong and successful enough to just survive on our own. Well, I’m not. I need someone there who will pick me up when I fall down and wipe the tears away when I cry. Who will tell me to stop it when I get into a rage about something. Who will help me to grow into a better person; the person I want to be.

I can be happy on my own, of course I can. But that’s not how I want to live. It’s not me. I’m all feelings and dreams inside, I need another half to ground me down. But where do I find them?


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