The weeks are starting to blur together in their stress. My jaw is locked and one side is painful from the tension; I’ve had to visit a professional masseuse to un-knot my back from sitting rigid all day. 8 or 9pm finishes are becoming common and it’s killing me as this agency takes over my life.

Coupled, of course, with the break up with James. So when it all goes wrong there’s nobody even there to make me laugh. To hold me and make it all OK. I know I shouldn’t need that but I do. I want it more than anything.

My mind swings like a compass across the sea to Wilt. All I have to do is close my eyes and I’m back in the summer sun with him. At the theatre. In the restaurant. Back safe in his hotel room, wrapped in his arms. The tears leak from under my closed lids to run down my cheeks as I think about those three days.

It is no lasting comfort, for sure. Perhaps even thinking about him is a mistake when there is every chance we will never see one another again. But right now I’ll grasp at any comfort I can, even if it only lasts for a moment. 

Good God, I miss him. For those three days were the most extraordinary weekend of my life. I don’t ever remember being so happy. The world aligned itself to my desires and I swear I touched a golden magic I’d never felt before. A place I wanted to just go on and on; a dream I never wanted to wake up from. 

He was mine. 

I was his.

He was so different but at the same time it was like we fit each other perfectly. If he were here now he’d heave me into his arms and tell me I was strong and brilliant and brave, then he’d tell me to man the hell up and not take any shit from these folks, in his brash American way. 

Then he’d tell me I had mighty fine eyes in that southern drawl I loved so much. 

I remember every detail of our time together. It’s locked safe in my mind, like a wonderful book of memories I can open. The roughness of his chin as it moved across my cheek. The feeling of my fingertips across his stomach. The way I felt as we walked hand in hand down the Southbank. The way I blocked everything out to just be with him. 

But then it’s reality and I have to wake up. The world has moved on and he probably has too.

I do not know where it is I want to go from here. I know where I should do, but how do you move your life on when all your energy is being sapped out of you? I’m not sure. I know I need to move to a new living situation, but nothing is coming up when I search. I know that I want to find a new reltionship, but nobody seems to appeal to me.

It fells like there’s so much negativity in my life right now but I don’t know how to banish it. And whenever I turn around it’s another day, another fight across London in the horror of the morning Central Line and then another day of stress and torment. It’s not as if one aspect of my life needs to change, it’s as though all of my life needs to change.

When everything is a mess, where do we begin to sort it out? Every problem seems to link to another problem and I don’t know how to go about unravelling it.

I guess that all I know is that this can’t go on.

Oh Wilt, how I wish you were here.


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