I’ve felt listless all day, and I can’t even explain why. I got up early and played Rise of the Tomb Raider (great game, by the way) and was then sidetracked by my housemate. Somehow we were both up early and so decided to just stay downstairs and chat. We talked about all sorts; in fact we really started to bond. I quietly logged onto my gym classes and cancelled them for the day, feeling that this was more important; that if I let it go I might never have another chance at it. The housemate bonding ritual.
The rest of the day was just domestic things: laundry and grocery shopping. Now I’m on the train for my friend Jim’s birthday. I should feel excited and happy, but I just feel tired and as though I’d much rather spend the evening alone.
I passed the Strand Palace Hotel yesterday on my walk home. Immediately, my mind whirled to Wilt like a compass needle. I stood looking at the building nearly crying; lost in the memories of our time together. I thought back as I had so many times before to those three days: three spontaneous, wonderful days. When I didn’t know I could be that happy. Before everything went dark and wrong.
Things have got better since then with my new job and new house, but I had an urge to cross The Strand and go back to the room we stayed in. A crazy and foolish idea, of course, but I wanted to grasp the memory of him; even the tiniest little bit.
The truth is nobody has even come close; no-one is as much of a man or made me feel as wonderfully safe as he did. And the truth? I think I complimented him wonderfully well too. If I stood there and just looked at the warm lights of the windows, I felt I could almost make believe he was still in there waiting for me. But he’s across the sea, far away in the states. Do I continue to hope or do I let him go for good?
I miss him so much. And I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll never find someone who made me feel the way he did; the golden light. That’s the only way I can describe it. There was a light around us and the world seemed to re-arrange itself to our whims. I knew it was a golden memory, even as I was living it.
The rest of the weekend seemed to pass in a haze. Meeting my brother for lunch at Bodeans, the house meeting to try and address some of the things that need doing (i.e stopping Dmitrijus leaving filthy pots in the sink for days) and, most lovely of all, my friend Chris coming back from the US and dropping in to see me.
I may miss Wilt terribly, I’ll probably never see him again except in my dreams and memories, but there is a lot to be grateful for here. The job is decent, the shared house is nice, I have good friends and an interesting life in London. Which 5 years ago I couldn’t even have fathom the wonderfulness of what that would be like.
Is it wrong to want someone to share it all with? Does it make me a bad person that I pine for the closeness and intimacy that I had with Wilt? That I really want a wonderful guy to share all of this goodness with? I feel small flashes of that something when I’m around friends like Chris and Tom. It feels selfish to desire them; just like it feels almost selfish to desire something more when I have a lot of things that are good in my life already.
But the truth is I’m lonely. I love my friends and I know that I’m lucky to have what I have. But in March I’ll be 29; that’s the right age to get my life in order and actually find someone to settle down with. In a strange way, it almost hurts and frustrates me. People who are way more messed up than me manage it, why is it so hard for me to find someone that I actually want to be with?
But I suppose that’s just something else to work on for this year. Chris and I toasted 2017 in the pub this evening, and I sincerely hope it’s a wonderful year for everyone.