The minutes ticked by as I waited on the steps of St. Paul’s to meet him, and I’ll admit I was excited. On paper, he seemed perfect. Construction project manager, ruggedly handsome, formerly of the navy, loved the same assorted geekery.
And yet, when we met, I think I knew in seconds it wasn’t going to fly. It’s weird how sometimes you just know, isn’t it? Even weirder how perfect it all looked through the safe haven of a digital lens. We went to Cafe Rouge and had an interesting conversation, at least, but it just wasn’t much of anything.
In truth I’m getting scared. I’ll turn 29 in two months time. I’ve been on so many dates over the last four years and nothing has come to fruition; in truth nothing has lasted more than a few measly months at most.
Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone and make it work?
The man I fell for and shared the most magical long weekend with is back in the States. I’ll probably never see him again, and yet…Well, I suppose it does no good to canvas it now.
But why can’t I find someone? I guess I’m just going to go ahead and say it; I find it’s so unfair. I’ve been told I’m good-looking, I’ve been told I’m witty and clever. Why do people who have a face like a bag of spanners and all the IQ of an apple get to find someone, and I’m left all alone?
It may be horrible to say, I guess I shouldn’t. But does nobody else ever get sick of the slog of it all? Does anyone else ever look around and just think, “where’s the justice of it all?” Does anyone else ever look around and wonder when their time is to come? What all the gym and self-improvement is for?
Between working hard and trying to make ourselves better, there has to be more to it than just that. I’m not ungrateful, I like my new job and I like the house I’m living in. But by 30 I just wanted to have it all sorted out. The career path, the man, on our way to a shared place together. I came to London 4.5 years ago to find my life and my purpose, but I can’t just keep drifting forever. I have to find…it.
That thing and that person worth living for. Life can be great, but there’s no point denying that it can be bleak and lonely too. And on those days when it has all gone wrong I know that I’ll need someone there to pick me up, and I know how much I want to be there for someone.
I think that’s maybe what it comes down to. I have so much I want to give; it’s not that I want to be selfish and take everything from someone, I want to give. I want to be there for someone as they’ll be there for me. I want to have someone to go through life with. The truth is that I’m tired of navigating it alone.
Mindfulness teaches us to just embrace the moment and accept life just as it is at present, but though I try I don’t think I’m very good at that to be frank. I like to live in a world of dreams and stories.
But there are some things in life which can’t remain as fiction, you can’t play the game and indulge in the dream without some of the hope that it might come true. Am I going about it the right way, or am I just running out of time?