Today has been a cocoon day.
I’m now writing this is the bustling setting of my local Caffe Nero; the site of my weekly Sunday writing session. Why so late in the day? Like I said, cocoon day.
Basically, a cocoon day is one of those days (typically on the weekend), where you eventually just come to accept that you’re not in the right headspace to do a great deal. I like to think of myself as a fairly active person; jostling by this week at my job I don’t really have a choice. But outside of work I like to think that I keep active too, with socials and societies and things. Don’t get me wrong, I want to do more, but I’m not a lazy person.
Well, except today. A cocoon day will typically find me on the bed watching several episodes of something (today was Outlander) and then taking 2-3 hour naps (bliss). Between a couple of boatfuls of washing and a vague attempt at tidying up, I’ve done shamefully little else with the day except sit with my own thoughts.
And I’ve a lot to think about at the moment.
Yesterday, I had some thoroughly enjoyable fun with a visiting Canadian lad. What is it about Canadians? I just seem to have the most fabulous sexual experiences with them. This one had, not to put too fine a point on it, the most delicious cock I’d ever seen. It was the perfect size (yes, ‘too big’ is a thing). It was pure delight to tease and suck on it as he writhed and undulated with pleasure. I’ve never brought a man to orgasm just with my mouth before, but yesterday I managed it rather beautifully, if I do say so myself. I mean, put it this way: He said I had to suck slower because he wanted to delay the moment that he came.
And it was very enjoyable for me too, which is not the way I would have often described giving head. All in all, a thoroughly good time; and much needed on my part.
The truth is I’m feeling rather lonely at the moment. After 4.5 years it’s like some of the game is starting to wear off the London scene and I rather wish I could just move on with life. Not move out of London of course, just move on with the next bit. The meeting someone and planning and building bit. All of that takes time and the truth is, at almost 29 years old (next month — eek), I’m running out of it fast.
I’m taking things one day at a time with this job. It’s going to be one of those roles where you’ll never get everything that you wanted done in a day, so you just have to take a deep breath and plough on with as much as you can. One thing I’m determined to really change and continue with at work is execution and attitude. Sometimes if I’m in the middle of a stressful task I’ll find brief respite by checking my WhatsApp or maybe a dating app or two. But I was inspired by the Germans I used to work with. They would always leave work at 5:30 on the dot and not a second later, but in work they were like machines. Not a single iMessage or non-work related item passed their fingertips while on the job. I realised how much time is wasted in office jobs with all the frippery and coffee chatter. Looking back at this week I think there was too much of that, at least on a couple of the days, and it’s something I’m determined to change, no matter what my views or long-term plans with regards to the company. Work is work and playtime is playtime. I like to differentiate the two.
I’m not sure how long I will stay in this job, that really remains to be seen and it’s too early to tell.
There are several possible directions in my mind which I’m thinking, most of which involve leaving social media behind and transitioning into a similar, related field.
Option 1: Staying in poker. I like working in the poker industry; I find it interesting and full of clever characters. I would look to grow myself in my current role, with the aim in a couple of years to transition to one of the larger online poker rooms as a senior Communications Manager/Creative Director type role – like PokerStars or 888Poker.
Option 2: Freelance consulting. I would set myself up as a freelance consultant, providing digital strategy and content solutions to businesses. This would mean a lot more freedom in what I do, and the challenge of working in a variety of sectors. If a relationship is good, then there’s no reason why it can’t continue. If I don’t enjoy a client, then I don’t have to get involved in the politics or day to day nonsense of companies, I can just move on after the contract is over. I think I’d be good at this and the “no two days are the same” nature of it would really appeal to me.
Option 3: Editorial. This is what I was thinking about last week; the move back into a more content-focused role. I would leave branding and marketing behind entirely, setting myself up as an editor at Vice or Buzzfeed; MailOnline or The Telegraph. A really well-respected and high-quality content publisher. What really attracts me about this move is it’s no longer about sales or conversions (and in the business world, it always is) it’s about the quality of the output. The higher the quality of the content, the more ad revenue will come in and that’s how publishers make their money. Although I like to think that I have writing and social media skills under my belt, I believe that I would need additional skills in order to really advance in this area: Photo editing, video editing and maybe even some HTML programming wouldn’t go amiss either. Though that said I would want to be involved more in the editorial direction than the day-to-day execution.
And I suppose those are my options. They are all good ones I think, and looking back at my LinkedIn today as I replied to some messages I have to say I felt some pride; it may not have all gone perfectly, but I have some great experience and a lot to offer. I don’t think I’m quite “there” yet, but I’m on the road to the career I want. It’s getting there.
I had a tiff with my friend Chris this week. He’s been working the past few years at a startup in London (after graduating in Law) and is now looking to move to London as a Project Manager, having been on a 20-something startup salary, he told me, he is now gunning after 50-55k roles. I told him to be careful doing that and I think he took offence.
I was partially concerned for him, as I think over-selling yourself is not the best way to make career connections. But I was also selfishly nervous, I will admit. I hated to think of someone I know swanning into London on an amazing salary like that. It would be so uncomfortable, given the amount of struggle and effort I’ve had to go through to get to 35k! I hope that doesn’t make me the terrible person I suspect I might be. But if he managed it (which, as I said, I don’t genuinely think he’s qualified to do) I would be roaringly jealous.
So it’s been a mixed week. As always, I wish I could have a week off to reflect and try to build myself up; I don’t quite know why I need reflection time, but I absolutely do. I like to have time to sit and analyse quietly before proceeding, even though in irony I can be quite headstrong in the moment.
So it’s another week and I’ve got the usual Sunday evening flutterings and nerves for the week ahead. Like I said, I’m almost there, but I want the feeling of being excited on Sunday for my job on Monday; of looking forward to the interesting challenges and people rather than nervous of the frustrations and impossibilities which will be thrown at me.
Sometimes the differences are so subtle between the feelings we can conjure for work or social situations, the difference between being in flow with what we’re doing and grinding at it; the difference between ease and struggle.
I find that the reflection and self-analysis are what help me, sometimes to differentiate between those situations. Between, essentially, with what will ultimately make me happy and what won’t. And I think I’m getting better at it.
Getting there. Step by step.