It’s Easter Weekend. It’s an odd feeling; it’s that time that you should be savouring the four-day weekend, but when you’ve just left your job to escape another poisonous environment, having whatever you can do all day every day can become something of a burden.
I have a lot to do but in truth, I feel a little lonely; it’s that sentiment where you just want someone there, but everyone seems to be somewhere else. So I’m in my room, with my own thoughts for company, which is always a dangerous thing.
I have my first interview lined up for next week, which a Soho agency working on the account for a luxury car brand. It’s not a topic I would have necessarily chosen to work on, but apparently it’s the agency’s biggest client, so I’d be right at the centre of all the action. I need to do my research on the agency and see if it’s a place I could fit into. But hey, I’m interviewing for a senior position and I think I could fit into a lot of places to the tune of £40k.
I need to find somewhere where I’m happy, but also somewhere where I can grow and flourish professionally. I need somewhere where’s I have some freedom but also where I can learn.
I think perhaps most of all, more than finding the right new place, I need to find that place inside myself that will allow me to deal with the day to day stresses of work. I’m not sure why but it seems to be something inside of me; something that allows other people to deal with these daily things in a way that I cannot. I’ve actually requested a course of therapy through my local GP; I can’t help but feel that this “missing part” inside of me is somehow related to the tumultuous childhood relationship I had with my parents and the years of repression I went through. I just feel like I could speak to an expert on it, even once or twice, I may be able to fix it. Maybe that’s just crazy talk, but isn’t that what therapy is for?
The other opportunity came about at a party thrown by my PR friend. I spoke with the producer of a new TV series, starring a major British TV celebrity. He said they’d had a couple of useless kids in to try and formulate the digital strategy, so I spoke to him about a few of my ideas. He loved them; he described me as a real expert and said that he wanted to get me in for some consultancy work. So I need to do my research and put forward my proposal.
But as I watched him be impressed with my ideas, I realised how right I was to leave my last role. How much I was put down; how much I scrabbled around in the dirt just trying to get the most basic concepts off the ground when I should be working at the top level of this. That’s where I need to be, with the elite. That’s where I’ve always been happiest; challenged to grow and be the best with a crack team of experts. Ever since primary school, that’s where I’ve always flourished.
So with great opportunities on the horizon, both full time and freelance, why do I feel so down? Why do I feel like all I want to do is hide under the duvet and watch bad movies? Maybe it’s the fact that none of them are bringing in money yet, that I feel scared to live on more than vegetables and water. That because I know I’m not earning anymore at the moment I feel like I can’t go out and enjoy myself, in case it costs too much. It’s a horrible feeling, one I never wanted to find myself back in.
But there are things on the horizon, I can feel myself moving towards something, something better. I think it may just be a harder road to get there. But as they say, when you find yourself walking through hell, keep walking. I just hope that when I do find it, it has some equilibrium, some stability, some satisfaction that I didn’t know before.