It’s Bank Holiday Monday and it has been a very relaxing day. I awoke with Chris again, both of us recovering from Karly’s birthday party the evening before. Turning 30, she had thrown a wonderful house party full of interesting people.

Originally, I had thought that Chris and Karly might be something rather ideal for one another and so had made every effort for them to be together. Not, however, I must admit that, although they seem to get on well, the spark does not really seem to have taken hold in quite the way I first imagined.

Sometimes, I must admit, it feels rather odd when Chris stays over. I enjoy waking up next to him. Although we will never be more than friends he has a lovely body; not to mention there is some sort of simple pleasure in waking up with another human. There is something safe about it. Although it does make me miss Charlie all the more and getting to start the day snuggled safe in his arms.

I hope that after my new contract with the agency is up I will be able to go out to California and see him. It’s something we are discussing, anyway.

The first week working at one of London’s premier PR firms is going OK, I think. It’s only a temporary contract until May 26th, so sometimes I think that helps. It makes me feel less trapped. Sometimes the whole notion of what is expected of me in the modern workplace terrifies me so much I feel that I shall not move. I cannot.

The bulk of the work that I’m doing is on a huge automotive account; a major FMCG brand. It may not be an area that I’m particularly passionate about but it will be amazing experience on the CV.

Yet it does me question, still, how much this truly is the path that I should take. Really, at the end of the day, I’m just a writer who fell into doing all this digital marketing stuff. Sometimes I think that my little brain isn’t built for it; it’s too much and too complicated. I’m a simple soul at heart and like to keep things simple. Words are simple, even when there’s a lot of them, even when the language is complicated, there’s something so delightfully simple about writing.

Sometimes, I wish that I could do that all day.

More and more I believe that telling stories simply has its own magic. It’s a place and a feeling that I fight to hold onto in this world that seems to become ever colder.

If I can’t find a way to fit into it, what am I to do? Part of me wishes that I’d gone down the journalism route, for all that people say it’s a dying industry. I think that it’s evolving, and I think that I could help it do that in the digital age.

Then again, perhaps it’s less about the work itself and more about our attitude to it. Some of the happiest people I’ve known have always found satisfaction in doing their best at something, no matter what it is. When you give a task your all, you feel good. There is something in that, which I believe links back to the concept of Zen and all that; the worker’s doctrine and finding satisfaction in work for its own sake.

Perhaps that is a better talent to foster than constantly striving for the ‘next’ golden ticket, which inevitably turns out to be disappointing.

I suppose it’s the same concept as in meditation: be in the present moment, not anxious about the future or mournful of the past.

I can do that I think, and just embrace this challenge for the wonderful opportunity that it is.

Could that really be all that it comes down to — attitude? Most of my generation speak about how they feel lost and powerless, that they’ve not been able to fulfill the dreams the had and the world has torn apart the promises which were made to us; could it really all come down to simply going into our day to day tasks with the right attitude?

I mean, if Karly can go into turning 30 — with a marriage behind her and a divorce on the cards for the future — with such a positive and upbeat attitude, surely I can bring the same thing to the phoenix of opportunity which has taken flight after two failed short-term jobs?


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